Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I must say it was good to hear from the Doctor. However the 8lbs he is up I am down plus a few extra and I am starting to the kankle power returning. The Lost Vally Night Relay was pretty sick. Not quite as sick as coach's book of which I only made it through chapter four "Down the Jenkem River on the Cleveland Steamer". But sick like Coach and myself battling to a 4Th place finish with almost 4 identical lap times. Thanks to Mason Storm for setting it up and sitting it out so that we all could race. He does deserve a punch in the nards for it being a geared bike coarse. What was that about? I could smell my chain burning as I spun over the fire roads. Oh well in other news I picked up some new kicks from the Doodz at the hub nothing to sweet but just sweet enough to kick the doctors arse with down in Durango for the SSWC.
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"Down Jenkem River on the Cleveland Steamer?!" Genius!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I think I am about to take a rare "right before bedtime" poop. I wonder if I'll also have on in the morning too...
I sure hope that the Doctor makes a guest appearance at some point... you should email him the password just in case.
Fear not. Your DR will likely still do the occasional guerilla style post on Robort's blog so his readers don't get bored. Whenever you are riding the cleveland steamer try the Alabama hotpocket. It's delicious
ReplyDeleteDR
oh, I forgot one thing. My only goal for the D9 bulldozer is to destroy Robort's soul. Have a nice day.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Kid Rock sucks huge floppy donkey dicks. all day long
DR
dookie
Fucker
ReplyDeleteJerktor, I think that both you and Robort should view this video. Not safe for work.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weiZTWmBQwg
that was me, by the way - CFR
ReplyDeleteA few thoughts from the wester-regions.
ReplyDelete1. The shop I work in now is a Fuji dealer. Whenevar someone is going to go unleash a turd storm, it is lovingly refered to as "taking a Fuji" example: I have to take a huge Fuji, or I just dropped a Fuji. Amazing.
2. Robort is currently working on obtaining a masters degree from the Japanese School of Business, and I heard he likes dudes. "all the young dudes" Gross.
3. Jenkem is the greatest thing to happen to mankind.
I just took a huge Fuji in my pants.
Oh Robort, where the fuck are you man? Aug 25th seriously. I don't update my webpage very often, but this is fucking ridiculous. post something pigfucker.
ReplyDeleteDr.
Eminem also sucks huge floppy donkey dicks.
Well, October is almost over and still nothing from the Robortion. What is going on here? I for one am concerned. Seriously, WTF? Coach hasn't even left a duty report in quite some time, so I guess I will have to.
ReplyDeleteToday started off as a pretty normal day. There is a cold front coming in so the highs are only in the 50's for the next couple of days. Anyway I awoke to a familiar rumbling coming from within my lower stomachal region. I had a feeling that the large amount of chinese food consumed the previous evening might make for an interesting ride. Strangely nothing too out of the norm occured. I rode to work, concerned that the chinese food may be stuck somewhere inside me.
I got to work and had some coffee. Then the magic happened. I only mildly felt the need to drop a fuji, as we say here. I grabbed a copy of dirt rag and made my way to the shitter to take care of some business. This shit wasn't about quanity, it was all quality. This was one of those soul cleansing, deep purges. The kind of shit that makes you feel lighter on your feet. As I said earlier, not impressive in quanity, but definitely some solid nuggetry. And Energor was pleased, Amen.
And now master mechanic and today's guest duty reporter, Corey:
ReplyDeleteWell after a productive shop meeting where I learned I am the equivalent of a serial killer, I felt the need for some Chinese Food. What an incredible spicy dinner that was. Within the half hour my gut was rumbling in that oh my great shitness way. We both held out until morning where upon waking up as soon as my ass cheeks hit the rim of the toilet seat an Armageddon style explosion left my bowels and me screaming like a kid in a candy store. Within the hour 2 more of these episodes happened...then at work after lunch again...holy shit man these where some incredible greasy explosive shits that only 2 girls and a cup could be proud of.
Well another day and a couple of fujis have passed and I would like to take this opportunity to tell you all about it.
ReplyDeleteRound one this morning was pretty slow going. I hadn't had any coffee yet, and things just weren't going too smoothly. A couple cups of coffee and some Chinese herbs later and I was back on the throne. this one was a little better. It was almost like it was just the remnants of the first one.
The real magic didn't happen until I got to work. I went for a 20 mile road ride and came to work for some more coffee. Then Mrs. Doctor shows up with a giant breakfast burrito. The burrito in combination with the coffee really broke something loose, and sent me running for the crapper. What followed was a shit storm of epic proportions. I feel like I lost 10 pounds, in spite of not having literally shit out 10lbs. Funny how that is. Fucker.
But the other day was the best ever...Sunday we have these epic group rides out of the shop...we're talking HUGE turn outs of people. After the ride is a wonderful assortment of BRAN muffins. This mixed with coffee and loosened bowels from he group rides. I am tuning this bike and I felt the gurgling in my bowels and before I could really drop my wrench and run to the mighty throne I just stood there and shit my pants. Shit was running down my leg as I went to the boss and said excuse me I have to go home because I just shit my pants and have no fresh underwear here. After a long moist smelly ride home I took a shower, drank some Old Chub and had lots of Chinese Herb...then aa news flash came on my e-mail...Gary Fisher Has AIDS!!! Who would have thought that? Go Fuck Yourself Pig Fuckers
ReplyDeleteHoly shit, it is truly wonderful to hear from our good Doctor and his bowel-scapades. Reading of is latest and greatest butt-loafs has me reminiscing about a fantastic load that I dropped this past weekend. It had drank an entire pot of coffee after having eaten a fat bowl of frosted mini-wheats, which took little time flossing their way through my intestinal tract - only to expel from my butthole with the ferocity that had previously been found with the Saturn V rock. Fortunately for me, I managed to hang onto the toilet bowl. After coming to several hours later, I gazed at what had come out of my ass and was more frightened than proud. I was worried that I had blown an o-ring or even worse. But fortunately the toilet also survived, so I can shit once again. There isn't an exhaust fan in the bathroom at the new house, though - that might be a problem.
ReplyDeleteOh God...I mean Energor!
ReplyDeleteI witnessed the Robortion and it was the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. Failure knows no boundaries.
I love working in a public place with a public restroom. After six bran muffins, a pot of coffee, and a small dose of Chinese herbs, I'm doing whatever I can to make it the quarter of a mile to the nearest restroom where I work. I especially enjoy it when I lock the stall door, sit down, and everyone else using the restroom can hear my joy. I haven't failed to make it yet, but I know that I will one day soil my pants.
Disclaimer: I don't eat bran muffins, drink coffee, or partake in Chinese herbery. But I do enjoy blasting serious amounts of wind in public places.
Well, isn't it great to see Coach leaving duty reports again. Furby even put down his Beast ice and Nyquil cocktail to deliver some amazing words of wisdom "Failure knows no boundaries" fucking hilarious. Still no word from Robort himself. I have to say, I am a little worried. Perhaps he fell asleep on teh shitter.
ReplyDeleteNothing terribly incredible to report today in the bowel movement department, just the standard fare. It sounds like Coach is still up to his old tricks. I knocked myself out in the batroom once, but I haven't ever been in danger of being launched into orbit like that. Maybe I'll have a second pot of coffee today, see if I can knock something fancy loose in there.
I am about halfway through the pot of coffee that I brewed this morning, and I can already feel the ground shaking inside my rectum. I fear that it is only a mater of time before I have to "take the Cosby's to the Superbowl" so to speak. I think that if I wait long enough, I'll be able to feel relief from this one probably a good 15-20 minutes after final cleanup procedures are complete.
ReplyDeleteThe Doctor's Original Blog, located within the Comment section of Robort's blog, is truly a cultural center. I'm happy that our Good Doctor has not forgotten about it - it is much more interesting to share my shit stories when there are others here to listen.
Yes... it isn't long now before I dominate that toilet...
with the onset of winter, I will have much more time to make my contributions to my original blog. I agree with Coach Ryback's statement that the comments section of Robort's blog is truly a cultural center, which is ironic given that there is no trace of culture in Robort's blog. I mean seriously, Kid Rock? WTF?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, let's get down to business. This morning was a slow one in the fuji department. I had the usual regimen of Coffee and Chinamans, but to no avail. I read two chapters of my book and still only a handful of small "steak strip" style turds appeared. Worried, I rode to work and had a highlife and a pot of coffee to try and make something happen. Still nothing. So, I had no choice but to pull out all the stops and go to Hugo's for a football size burrito. Hugo's has never let me down. Just to make sure I am about to repeat my chinamen-coffee regimen on top of the burrito, which has already begun to cause some disturbance, in fact I just farted, and in honor of Halloween it smells like rotten pumpkins. I think I may be in trouble here in a few once the second dose of Coffee sets in. I will certainly keep you all abreast of the situation.
In other news, in a few short hours I will be retreating to the woods for some camping. Rumor has it that this trip will have psychedelic overtones and a crossbow. What better way to spend the holidays.
Oh man, I feel a photo finish coming on.
And a photo finish it was. Wow. I almost shit my pants typing the last sentence from that one. after work halloween, I went camping. I enjoyed several beers and my vitamin L, which cut down a little bit on food consumtion that evening. The next morning, after running around teh woods looking for my kite, I was famished. Chrissy and I descended into town for some fancy Indian food buffet. Man I put the hurt on that thing. Then off to the bar for free pool day, where several beers were consumed. Scott and I returned to the woods to camp again since our stuff was already set up. We made a huge dinner over the fire. The next morning I woke in my tent to find that I had the worst smelling gas I have evar had lifetime. It was foul. I didn't even have the rain fly on, and the gas was so thick you could see it. This is primitive camping, so you have to dig a hole in the ground to take a shit. Well that just sounded like a lot of work, so I decided to save it for work. I get there only for Chrissy to show up with a HUGE breakfast burrito for me. I tore into it forgetting for a moment that I was about to shit my pants. I made it halfway through my second cup of coffee when the rumbling started. It was a deep lung shaking rumble, like plates shifting under the earth's crust. I knew I better run for it. I made it to the throne just in time. As soon as my ass made contact with the seat it was almost blown right back off by the force. I was able to get one shoulder under the sink, and my feet up against the paper towel holder to wedge myself in. It was a scary ride, but I survived to tell the tale here, on Robort's blog. The force of the blast stunned me. When I regained my senses I sprang to my feet to asses the damage. Talk about impressive. A tear nearly came to my eye when I realized that I had shat out a scale likeness of Kid Rock. A turd shaped like Kid Rock, sort of redundant isn't it.
ReplyDeleteDoes the Doc shit in the woods? Not unless he has to.
I need to get a pair of those Shimano shoes. They look wicked awesome.
ReplyDeleteFurby, don't be ridiculous. Get the SPD sandals, much more comfortable. So it finally happened. I woke up in the woods the other day with the day off from work. This meant I would not be able to perch atop my normal throne to conduct my business. It was time to grab the shovel and dig a hole, and fast too. I don't know if any of you have evar tried to dig a hole in AZ, but it is damn near impossible. I found a nice outcropping of trees and decided that there must be some dirt if the trees were growing there. A prefer to hold myself up with a tree branch when shitting in the woods too. The shovel kept striking rock after rock as I feverishly tried to get the hole dug before I shit in my man panties. I was able to get a hole that seemed big enough and man did I do it just in time as it was soon completely full. I couldn't bury it fast enough as I had horrible flashbacks to the kid rock turd from the day before. Shitting in the woods is easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteAnd now master mechanic, total fag, and professional Fuji dropper, Corey
ReplyDeleteWell after such a kind introduction,let's get messy and after today's episode, neck deep in shit. Let's face a good shit can really only happen with certain items to accompany you on the throne. Such as a fine cup of hot coffee, ice cold beer, nicely packed bong, and lots of reading material. Problem is, what do you do when you have already read through the archives of Dirt Rag? Well re-read them again...and after today's session, I near made it through all of them again. Let's just say the bowels of hell opened up, not the the fiery kind, but the bowels of hell that come from the deepest nastiest place of your intestines. The kind of where that greasy burger you had 9 months ago is ready to finally come out. The kind that leaves you screaming from an orgasmic shit fest flowing out of your ass, but the flow doesn't stop...and a good solid flow, not too runny or wet, and not full solid chunks, just a tad thicker and meatier then say soft serve ice cream. At one point upon thinking I was done, I looked between my legs to see a mountain of shit that had grown to almost touch my sack when...oh no...here comes more! Questions popped into my mind like...Can this toilet handle more? What is it's shit capacity? If I continue will this mountain of shit reach my sack? And after I add toilet paper, will this toilet flush or clog? Clenching my fist with Dirt Rag in hand I gave the biggest anal squeeze I could muster with what energy I had left and made the summit of my mountain of shit happen. After lots of shit covered, stained coated toilet paper, it was all over...now for russian roulette, well the toilet flush or clog? Wow it flushed!!!! My pants fell a lot looser, I am hungry for substance, and the shop has a great odor now!
And don't forget kids that Gary Fisher does in fact have AIDS, so ride his bikes with pride, and ride him with a condom!
Corey was not kidding about the odor. Even with the doors open the entire back 3/4 of the shop smells like a goddamn shit storm. Holy Fuck
ReplyDeleteDR
I would like to make it known that Doctor and his guest contributors on his blorg which is located within the comments section of Robort's Blorg nevar ceases to bring me to tears laughing. This is truly an undiscovered national treasure, and when this shit blows up nationwie, I want to be the one who can say "I was there at the beginning, before they sold out and got big name sponsors like Charmin, Folgers, PBR and Analeez."
ReplyDeleteOn this, the 20th anniversary of the Fall of the Berlin Wall, I am planning a special, symbolic visit to my good friend, Mr. Toilet. I might refer to it as the "Anal-versary." I'm already working on a pot of coffee to help speed up the arrival of my capitalist turd, which is surely to "tear down the wall" of communist toilet paper that will be face annihilation. This will truly be an historic shit, one to be recorded for posterity in the anals (or is that annals) of shit-taking textbooks.
ReplyDeleteYou were certainly there at the beginning. In fact you were the beginning. I have already sent sponsor me packets to all major TP companies (2-ply only) and I dropped one to preperation H as well. A rep from Angel Soft and I have been kicking around some numbers, but I think I might be able to get a better offer.
ReplyDeleteIn other news my buddy Scott has recently moved out here to the wester-regions. He is quite the pool shark and we have had some heated battles lately. That being said there are only a handfull of places to play here. We had been playing at a nice little hole in the wall hoosier bar called HotRodz. They have 2 tables, both pretty decent and both always empty until we get there. On top of that they have free pool on the weekends. We went in Saturday night to take advantage and to our surprise both tables were full. We were about to head home, when on a whim we popped into a bar down the street to see what it was like. We went in to find three tables, all prime quality and only one with anyone playing on it. I went to the bar to discover that not only do they have PBR on tap, which Hot Rodz does not, but it is $2 cheaper for a pitcher. So as we are playing pool a guy named George comes up and introduces himself and tells us that on Sundays they have free food, free pool, and happy hour prices all day on Sundays. Holy Shit. Naturally we returned on Sunday after my ride (cross bikes are fun) for some pool and delicious tacos and other assorted mexican foods. I went back several times and could barely walk by the time we left. Holy shit it was amazing. This is part one of my duty report for today, I felt a little background was needed. I am trying to save this one for work. I have had 2 cups of coffee so far and will try to have as many as possible at work before I even try to unleash this one. Hopefully I don't go all Greg Lemond and shit my pants while I am riding to work. More to come, lots more. jerks
Well, I am sorry to say that the Windsock (that's the bar we have switched to) let me down, at least as far as the fuji that their tacos gave me. I really expected to be blasted off the seat of the throne and shot through the ceiling, possibly into the upper atmosphere, where I might find myself dropping turds from the sky next to a mighty eagle or shit-hawk. No such luck.I would do well to reach the heights of a humming bird at this point. I really wonder if maybe there is going to be a delayed reaction. Clearly what goes in must come out, and I don't feel that this has happened yet. I can only hope that when it does, it will be an event of such magnitude that you might possibly feel some sort of aftershock all the way out there in ST Louis. I am talking about a turd that Energor himself would be proud to have produced. Maybe one of those 2ft long logs that gets lodged in the drain and you have to cut it in half for fear that it will cause so much back pressure in the plumbing that it might actually cause the toilet to break if it were to somehow go sideways on you. A turd that inspires awe in all who behold it's glorious form. I am going to have some moar coffee and hope for the best. Maybe something will shake loose. until then eat lots of fiber and feel free to leave any tales here, this is everyone's blog
ReplyDeleteI would like to regale the readers of my reminiscing about times past spent typing up poop reports. I feel quite euphoric in reading over the Dr.'s and my posts here in the comment section of Robort's blorg. Remembering glorious past poops, everything from both the everyday turd to the most epic of pre-race, post-coffee, post-party-night-binge-drinking shit storm. Ah, so many memories. Enough power of suggestion from teh intarwebs to unsettle and break loose a fat duece, or to use Jerktor's nomenclature, a fat fuji.
ReplyDeleteEnergor Be Praised.
Well, still nothing out of the ordinary from the Windsock Taco's. Frankly I am concerned. I hit the buffet line like four times, a full plate each time. I would expect after such behavior to be knee deep in shit right about now, but really nothing spectacular today. Hopefully I haven't done some sort of permanent damage. I was planning on hanging on to some of this for my Jenkem cellar. I still enjoy a finely aged jenkem from time to time. (by time to time I mean several times a day.) Nothing like a good balloon of some july 16 2008 to broden your horizons. I have a rack that allows me to store the jars on their sides and rotate them about once a week to cure the pee and poo concoction and get a nice rich lung full of some zambian lung butter. wow.
ReplyDeleteDr.
Ah yes Doctor, That was a good Jenkem vintage. Speaking of that, remember the Feb 4th 2009 harvest, the day after we both ordered the double-order Kung Pao lunch special from Ten Minute and then both chugged a pot of coffee? Talk about a spicy huff with musty notes and a nutty scent on the nose. I still have a 20oz bottle saved from that 2 liter for a special occasion. Next time you're back in town, we'll reminisce and pray to Energor, just like old times.
ReplyDeleteI hope Robort has taken a crap since his last post otherwise he truly is full of shit and will need to visit a few Hardees and unleash a crime wave of upperdeckers or is that upperfujis?
ReplyDeleteAhhh nothing better then the smell of a rider in front of you that has splashed on a hint of Eau de Bunghole. Hey brother can you spare an oz of that fine ass elxir?
ReplyDeleteKung Pao indeed. I would like to welcome our new contributor, C-dubbs, and his addition to our already extensive vocabulary. Still no word from Robort. WTF? Perhaps he is still trying to dislodge the plug in his intestines formed by mass consumption of cliff bars. Robort won't be leaving any upperfuji's anytime soon. Nothing too exciting in the toilet today, so maybe I'll go back to the archives and bring you another tale from camping last week.
ReplyDeleteI woke up Friday with a familiar rumbling in my stomach. We had to pack up our campsite and I had to go to work, so I thought maybe I'll just wait until I get to work as opposed to trying to dig another hole. So I started packing. We had been making big jars of Sun Tea (a surprisingly similar process to making Jenkem) and I had a cup while I was getting things together. I was already spandexed out for the fire road descent to work on the cross bike, when Scottie pointed out that there was a cup left and I should drink it so he could pack up the jar, so I obliged. Now it is important to understand that at this point it is all I can do to not shit my pants, I mean the turtle's head and neck are out and he's working on the shoulders. Scott took off, I made a few last minute adjustments, let the dust settle, and then took off down towards the nearest toilet. We both assumed that I would catch Scott on the downhill, the fire road is pretty rough so you have to take it pretty slow pulling a trailer with a jeep, you can fly down it on a cross bike. And fly I did because I didn't want to shit in my Team Seagal kit. Things were going fine at first, but I could tell that this was gonna be close. After a few pretty rough washboarded sections of downhill cyclocrossing the rumbling in my stomach shifted gears, I still had to shit, but there was a new sensation, a weird backdraft of some sort. I had to stop. I immediately began projectile vomiting. It was a geyser of delicious iced tea. I immediatley felt 50% better. The backdraft was gone, which somehow took a little pressure off of my ass too. I took off again (I never got off the bike) I felt that I could probably make it to work to drop a fuji. As I rode away I noticed a man sitting in a truck off to the side of the road who had seen the whole episode. I got to work, took care of some business, and felt fine. I wasn't hung over(I only had 1 beer the day before)I wasn't sick. I guess I just shook up about 32oz of tea and it exploded. Live and learn. Praise Energor. Fuck I am late for work
You know doctor there is nothing worse then getting the full kit on and having that turtle want to come out and play. I am a pretty regular guy and know that the bibs don't go on until I have shattered the porclean alter for the third time. Once that third round has cleared the colon I am good for at least a 100 miler (have tested that therom 13 times) and have been lucky enough to make a full solo 24 hrs before the bombay doors had to be reopened. It all must be good because after the colonoscopy the doc commented that I had the autobahn of assholes - winding and clean as a whistle.
ReplyDeleteYou know Doctor you are lucky you didn't shit yourself when you puked up the Sun Tea. Can you imagine the look of rider puking his guts out with a full load hanging in the spandex - the driver probably would have pissed his pants.
ReplyDeleteThis is currently my favorite blog on the Internets.
ReplyDeleteJust yesterday morning I was reading it while enjoying my daily pot of coffee and box of raisin bran topped with two scoops of Metamucil.
I think I was actually eating some pizza and drinking a few beers, but the effect was the same. I read a few "fuji" stories and before I knew it I was riding the Cleveland Steamer down Jenkem River.
My kids in the bowl weren't S-shaped but they were pretty darn closed. I would describe them as crescent-moon-like with a healthy brown color. Not bad for somebody who drinks beer for breakfast.
Well, it's lovely fall morning here in AZ and I am off work. So Mrs. Doctor and I took a leisurely ride to Thumb Butte. On the way we passed by the local skate park. We found it to be devoid of those creepy imo bastards with skin tight jeans that are somehow still falling off. It's almost like the jeans are so tight that they are squeezing the kid out like toothpaste from the tube, or a fuji from you nether regions. Anyway, it is rare to find the park empty so you should always take advantage when you do. It's a pretty nice, concrete skate park. It is fun to roll the cross bike around in. Mrs. Doctor even rode some of the ramps. As I dropped into one of the bowls, the cereal coffee combo hit me right in the gut. I am trying a new high fiber cereal called Super colon blow. I think it works well. I shot up the other side of the bowl with a little extra boost from a carefully timed crop dusting. The extra force pushed me up and towards the ramp to the exit just in time. just outside the exit is a johnny on the spot. well placed I might add. I couldn't get out of my bibs fast enough.
ReplyDeleteWhat followed was one of the most amazing fuji's ever to be born unto this world. It had a foul odor like the many rancid skunk carcasses I encounter on the side of the road here. my eyes began watering immediately. I broke into a cold sweat and trembled as explosion after explosion came from within me. My screams echoed through the town and off of the mountains. It was horrifying. I can only assume that something from the tacos finally got knocked loose by the combination of coffee, colon blow, and the high G's experienced in the skate park. When I finally stopped crying, got back into my bibs, and left the porta-john, I walked into quite the scene. There were several dead squirrels on the ground, along with a few birds that had fallen from the trees, with more falling as I observed. Mrs. Doctor was unconsious from the fumes. I revived her and we left in a hurry before any one saw us. I am still trying to get the stentch off of me. It clings like a baby to it's mom. It is ingrained in my nostrils forevar. Energor be praised, Amen.
Doctor, are all of us to be disturbed that the influences of Robort have caused you to draw the Mrs. Doctor into the dark anal regions of Robortdom.....I mean Thumb Butte? Clearly a South Western influence. I have to say that having entered the world of Robort I find that I am now exercising my bowels, at times, more then my legs. This new found nirvana has me up before the sun shattering Mt. Kohler with such regularity that roosters are afraid of getting laid off in this economic downturn, you can set your clock by the regularity of my bowel movements.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, crop dusting can be made much more productive with a simple fist massage of the lower intestine. It is amazing how this Tibetian technique can increase the volumetric capacity of the lower colon and produces massive volumes of killer gas.
Have to go, my bowels are chanting the message of Robort and I am about ready to drop a tandem Fuji in Mt. Kohler.
I miss Robort and pictures of guns with cell phones on the handle...and sweet-ass Shimano kicks...and stories of the fork seals he blew up with his ultra-muscles...and comments from his East German "girlfriend."
ReplyDeleteAh yes, it is that time again. I have my morning coffee inside me, and I'm hoping to use my morning deuce for the purposes of good this time instead of just plain amusement. You see, my house has a small mouse problem. These aren't your hardened New York sewer rats - just some small mice. Now I know that your average New York sewer rat survive nuclear holocaust, and even chew its way out of a bank vault. But a small titmouse such as the ones I am facing shouldn't be that hardened, and it is because of that that I think I hope my open-door deuce this morning might have the equivalent effect of an exterminator's house bomb. The bathroom is on the 2nd floor, which is good, because I like to think that the shit-particles that are released into the air will tend to fall instead of rise. So hopefully, the stench and all the toxic shit-particulates will infiltrate the rest of the house, thus driving out my unwanted guests. Only time will tell, and I am going to start the clock now.
ReplyDeleteWhoa Coach, not the open door duece!! That may as well be full on nuclear holocaust. C-dubbs, on top of blowing my mind, makes an interesting point. with the density and tracking abilities of your gas, wouldn't a simple crop dusting solve the problem. I remember at TC Man, before the great economic collapse of aught-nine. You used to drop Shop Ministor to the ground crying from a hundred yards out, in a cross-wind at that. I have seen your gas, literally seen it mind you, hide in a corner and wait, sometimes hours, for a customer to come in the shop. Then it would pounce on the poor, unsuspecting bastard and do all sorts of possibly permanent damage to 4 of the 5 senses. Those mice are fucked. If you are going to unleash the open door duece you may as well go big. What do you suppose would happen if you were to ingest the following:
ReplyDelete1. 10-12 cups STRONG coffee.
2. 1 Bran Muffin
3. 2 bananas
4. 1 small dinner salad
5. 6 of anything from Taco Bell
6. 2 40 oz PBRs
7. 2 of your favorite laxative
Perch atop the throne, and continue pounding coffee until desired effect is achieved. This will surely take care of your mouse problem. If nothing else it will be highly entertaining. One to take pictures of to show the grandkids someday. Energor be with you.
Doctor, at just the mention of that sure-to-be-horrific shit cocktail that you are proposing, something inside me got dislodged and is plummeting its way towards my lower-opening. Wish me luck, and Energor Be Praised.
ReplyDeleteDoctor, at just the mention of that sure-to-be-horrific shit cocktail that you are proposing, something inside me got dislodged and is plummeting its way towards my lower-opening. Wish me luck, and Energor Be Praised.
ReplyDeleteDoctor/Commander Ryback - if a sh*#t is now a Fuji what is it when you crop dust? Robort dusting?
ReplyDeleteI am confused and when I mind is not at ease my bowels knot up and it can take days before it all returns to normal. I'll check in later in the week and if you still have that mouse problem perhaps after a couple of Robort dustings and a gaggle of Fujis in the bowel and you will be rodent free.
I smoked a joint laced with Robort dust one time. Talk about fucked up,with a nutty after taste, similar to huffing the jenkem. Speaking of Robort, when is he going to put up a new post? It takes 10 minutes to scroll all the way to the bottom of the page to read the latest news of the day. Speaking of news of the day, I have a tale for you.
ReplyDeleteSunday being free pool/food day at the Windsock, I found myself headed that direction after work to sample the free food. Appetizers were the menu for the day, with all the usual cheese dip cocktail wiener goodness. I got many many plates throughout the day. I kind of felt like I needed to drop a fuji before I went to bed, but I thought of how much more I would have to drop a fuji when I woke up if I waited. Wait I did. I could hardly sleep I was so excited for what was going to happen in the morning.
Morning came and I dropped a pretty decent fuji, but not quite what I expected. Clearly I needed some coffee. Midway through my second cup, a bolt shot through my intestines. I ran for the bathroom and sat down to a series of staccato shotgun blasts. I stood expecting to see some little nuggets, but to my amazement there were full blown, mid size logs. Thank you Windsock.
pigfucker.
Minutes ago I just left the bathroom with an epic sensation to live and tell about.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as my ass reached the cold toilet seat a lava flow of shit erupted from ass causing such an acidic burning stench, my nose couldn't handle it. Evacuation soon came as an immediate flush followed, a couple of after shock lava shit eruptions, wiped, flush, RUN!!!!!
Personally I like to come home from the office, grab the NY Post and head to my second office. There I torture my intestines/bowels by restraining the mother lode that is in deep storage. This lasts for about 5 minutes but ensures that when I do drop the pants to the ankles and take a seat on the throne I will have maximum volume output. Usually it is a beauty of a pile that can rival the best cowpie in the midwest but on that rare occassion, usually the day after a classic heavy french dinner, I am able to produce a classic giant redwood that despite being deeply buried in the bowel has the length and girth to have a few inches proturding out of the water, almost like a submarine surfacing!
ReplyDeleteDoctor, you are correct about the length of this comment section, it rivals a roll of charmin.
ReplyDeleteThat is a very fitting metaphor MR. Dubs... This comment section is approaching the length of a roll of unused toilet paper. As I scroll down the page, it reminds me of when I go to tear off a couple squares of TP, but the paper doesn't rip, which then causes the roll to unravel extremely quickly. I then have to roll it back up, head hung in shame.
ReplyDeleteIf it pleases the court, I think that I might like to take this time to describe an experience that I had the other day involving someone ELSE'S fuji.
I was at one of the more recent CX races, and felt the need to drain the vein. I head towards the porta-john, and find it to be occupado. I was there no more than 20-30 seconds, and from that john emerged one of the prettier women that I've seen. Well, she was one of the prettier women at the race. Which actually isn't saying much because CX chicks generally don't look much better clean than covered in mud. Anywho, I indulge myself by taking a long look at her (my staring eyes hidden by my sunglasses) and then proceed to enter the portable pooper.
As I'm wrestling with my zipper to unleash my trembling trouser snake, I happen to catch a glance at the steaming pile of jenkem fuel that was left inside the holding tank. The problem was that this holding septic tank had been dominated about 10 too many times, as there was a rather large mountain of tp and poo that arose at least 3-4 inches above the level of the blue septic fluid.
So imagine my horror when I entered to find a fresh, steaming, un-hardened pile perched right on top, much like a snow-capped mountain peak sits atop a Himalayan ridge. It was so fresh that I immediately realized that it could have only come from one person - the bombshell who was exiting the crapper mere seconds after I had walked up. It was truly something to behold. I was thankful that I only needed to go number 1, because had I sat down, I might have been teetering atop that magnificent mound instead of squarely resting on the toilet seat.
Needless to say, I finished my business and ran out of there, frantically searching the grounds for that woman. For a woman with that kind of... intestinal fortitude... is a rare find indeed. Alas, Energor did not see fit to grant me another encounter with her, and so I went on to do my CX race that day. I hope that only some day, Energor willing, that I might have another chance encounter.
Thank Energor.
Casey Ryback, I am convinced that you have found your soul mate. Any woman that can shit her own weight is truly worthy of you. Etch her muddy face into your mind. Find her! Never give up!
ReplyDeleteEnergor be with you.
There is nothing quite like strolling in the port-o-fuji and seeing the volcanic formation of intestinal fortitude with the snow capped summit of tp.
ReplyDeleteGood day jerks. Reading the last couple of posts on here really reinforces my belief that this is the best blog on teh internets. And it is only fitting that as we reach the 50th sheet of double ply that is Robort's blorg, I come to you with a tale of the most glorious fuji I have evar dropped evar, lifetime.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I feel a little backstory is necessary for you to fully understand how truly great this particular fuji was. The previous day, I had some Granola that Mrs. Dr made for breakfast after my morning ride. Then I had some kind of organic granola bar that we sell at the shop. fucking hippies. Anyway, The other mechanic and guest contributor, Corey and I went to Blimpies and got footlong subs for lunch. I had some trail mix later on. I get home after work and Mrs. Doctor has made some vegetarian chili, which is mostly different kinds of beans, and has bulgar (translated: FIBER) to thicken it up a bit.
I wake up the next morning to a rare pre coffee duece, albeit a small one, followed by the traditional post coffee duece. I set out for my morning ride feeling light as a feather, until I finished my first interval, at the end of which i was on the verge of soiling my chamios. I popped into a campground to find that it had been closed for the season, and the bathrooms locked. The ugrgency of the situation had begun to subside and I was able to finish my workout and roll into work. I immediately went to the bathroom to change, and perch atop the throne for the third time, before ten. Unprecedented.
There is no way I could have known what was about to happen as I sat down. I didn't expect much, this being my third visit of the day. right of the bat, what seemed to be a pretty sizeable log blasted Juist then another log blasted out of nowhere. this was clearly not over yet. I consulted my Chinese friend and he told me to calm down and read an article in Dirt Rag. This start/stop pattern continued for at least another 20 minutes as I read aloud to my Chinese friend for a while.
After close to half an hour of steady eruptions, I felt confident that it was over. I rose to find that this fuji was somehow at least three times the volume of the first two for the day. I felt as if as great weight had been lifted from my mid section. Resting peacefully in the bottom of the bowl was a virtual Everest of shit. It literally was a mountain. Wide at the base and rising, like C-dubbs pet snake, a good three inches above the water line. One more blast would have put my taint into danger of being covered in shit.
Naturally I have bottled most of this one to age in my jenkem celllar. I did already ferment the peak, it nevar touched water, and was totally pure. It produced a complexly flavored jenkem. The vapor filling your lungs with notes of oak, poop, and pee. Truly intoxicating. The waves of Euphoria washed over me as the shit vapor flooded my bloodstream.
a fine vintage for sure.
In totally unrelated news, I was diagnosed recently with pinkeye and hepatitis. I know you are as shocked as I was and still am. I will keep you all posted on what I hope to be a speedy recovery. In the meantime I am going to go hit that Jenkem ballon again.
Remember, Kid rock sucks all the dick.
DR
Doctor, I believe there is an old wives tale that states that a heathful 2-liter of jenkem, at the prime of its fementing, is the best cure for hepatitis, and is supposed to work wonders on pinkeye. For it to properly work on the pinkeye, you will want to employ the modified Mesa/Drewballs method of huffing a bowl of jenkem with your head under a towel.
ReplyDeleteI read this in this book that I found at the local bookstore, entitled "Zambian Miracle Cures."
I sometimes like to enhance the Drewballs method by filling a medium sauce pan with a vintage jenkem, and simmering it a little while my head in under a towel and over the pot. I picked that one up from a Zambian medical student. He is researching a new jenkem implant that reroutes your intestines to pass through you lungs and then out your ass. Smart man. He is also writing a book entitled " Zambian Surgical Procedures: Getting paid to play with poo" Look for it early this year.
ReplyDeleteDoctor, glad to hear that you have experienced the rare triple deuce. This experience is often equated with the likes of summiting Mt. Everest, kissing the Pope's ring and going down on Madonna. The last one usually resulting in a projectile vomitting session at Mt. Kohler.
ReplyDeleteI myself am perhaps the lucky one and use the triple play (and we are not talking cable company offerings) as a gauge on when it is time for the weekend marathon ride. The day usually begins with Mrs. C-Dubs laying around in bed watching GMA while ramble out, buck naked (clothes get in the way of the pending explosion) to the kitchen where a fine pot of Costa Rican coffee (now a post La Ruta tradition) is waiting for the switch to be thrown. Usually the aroma of the first drops hitting the pot are enough to make my bowels knot up with anticipation, on those days where I don't grind the beans the night before just the sound of the coffee grinder is enough to make me run for the throne and drop a fuji.
Anyhow, with the first of the day's presents in the bowl and breakfast in the stomach I begin the ritual of sorting out for the big ride. No matter how hard I try, and believe me I squeeze until I see stars, the second round seems to be triggered by application of Bag Balm to the old taint. No sooner does that pile of goop get slapped on my ass and it is time to run for the Kohler and let the second round fly - this one often brings visions of Slim Pickens riding that bomb out the bombbay doors in Dr. Strangelove.
Round three is always the result of the bib shorts going on, must be the pressure of the bib straps weighing on my shoulders and forcing the last of the fujis out the back door. With three in the tank and the septic system panting after a morning workout it is a green light to go out and ride for hours with no fear of a cramping colon!
With all of the excitement over triple headers I forgot where I was going with this - I guess I was blinded by the Fuji. Anyhow it is sad that the summer season has come to a close and the triple play is only a memory until the spring. Not to mention that I recently fucked the knee up and it is making it real hard to settle onto the bowl with any grace. Now it is a drop from about a foot up and the sudden impact causes a momenutm fuji to drop right in and cause a toilet tsunami.
Mr. Dubs, I live in constant fear of a similar phenomenon to the toilet tsunami, known as the Spelling Splashback. This occurrence, named after Tori Spelling's face that resembles a curvy toilet turd, is what happens when a large cannonball is fired out with the force that causes a geyser of disgusting shit-water spraying straight back up and your brown eye. It is not an uncommon occurrence in my home stadium, however during a port-a-john "away game" I am extra careful to make sure the blue chemical soup does not return back to my "exit door." Permanent camp-ground pit toilets are less risky, as the shit-water level is much lower, which can make it all the more scary (and impressive) when a Spelling Splashback strikes.
ReplyDeleteCasey/Doctor,
ReplyDeleteI am having a bit of a crisis this holiday, perhaps you can help. If I make a turkey and have a side of jenkem gravy when I hit Mt. Kohler in the morning is the first bomb considered a "double deuce" since it is a fuji laced with jenkem gravy?
Man I had to run from the last post to drop a fuji and I have to say there is plenty of room in the colon for all the bird I can get my hands on. This fuji was a real winner that managed to rise above the waters like a young volcano. Luckily there was no Spelling Splash Back but I have to say there were more skid marks in the bowl then a dragstrip. Now for an indoor wine, some gogi berries and wine....LTD!
ReplyDeleteWell, It sounds as though our East Coast Syndicate is having an active spell. Energor has seen fit to bless him with double, even triple dueces. Praise Energor.
ReplyDeleteWith all this talk of Spelling Splashback I feel that it is important to discuss the practice of dry-docking. I was first taught this technique by master MAsson Storm of Team Seagal fame. This is highly usefull in the porta-john setting. Basically you create a dry landing spot, think of it as a lilly pad constructed of TP, for your brown snakes to land on. This cushion will prevent any disease inducing splashback. If this porta john has been serviced recently, you will have limited time as the
TP will quickly become saturated and sink to the bottom of the blue lagoon. DO NOT attempt this practice in your home toilet. It will cause enormous back pressure upon flushing, this will result in the contents of the bowl being ejected all over your bathroom and indeed your entire house if you happened to be attempting an open door duece. (trust me, I learned this the hard way. You do not want to go down that road.) Dry docking is sometimes confused with upperdecking. Upperdecking is an entirely different practice, an act of terrorism. This is done by removing the lid of the tank, and dropping a duece inside. This will have a horrible effect. Think of it as 10,000 flushes brown. I think you get the idea.
Later jerks.
Interesting technique that Tropical Storm Mason has developed. There is a solution to the freshly serviced Port-o-john but it involves a bit of work. By taking four 6' lengths of tp and wrapping the ends over the seat you can create a very effective net to catch the fuji in (unless of course you are suffering from the Aztec 2 Step) that will prevent the Spelling Splashback and subsequent blue splash of death. I have yet to try it with one of the advertised "stronger brands" such as Charmin but if the tp holds up you might just have a very good sling to toss the load at your enemies.
ReplyDeleteIn the year of our Energor, I have decided that I am not a fan of Charmin. It is probably the thickest and softest TP out there, but when it comes to tensile strength, (the important factor in preventing an uninvited finger-enema) I find it to be extremely lacking. Many times have I been engaged in clean-up procedures, only to find that the instant I put a little pressure with my fingers to do the proper clean-up job, I bust right through, requiring the annoying secondary cleanup of my hands.
ReplyDeleteThis is less of an issue in public toilets, as I continue to find very strong, giant 2-ply rolls that could probably be rewashed and re-used on account of their strength. The issue is when they aren't perforated to form squares, which makes it incredibly difficult to have a good clean rip. What a pain in the ass, figuratively. The "Charmin Breakthrough," on the other hand, is a literal pain in the ass.
In more personal, recent news, I took a fat shit *after* my ride today, and it was not a fat log, or a long, curvy log, but a large collection of small, semi-connected logs grouped at the bottom of the bowl. Very satisfying, but since I was at the parent's house, I could not engage in the open-door-deuce.
Coach Ryback you make a very good point about the tensile strength of Charmin, I made a serious faux paux on that recommendation. My apologies to all those fingers that get the stink from the feared breakthrough.
ReplyDeleteOn another note I managed to drop a giant fuji today, I believe I passed the entire drumstick in one drop.
I must tell you guys, on today, the day after Thanksgiving, I am sitting here in fear of the terrible Mt. Fuji that I am about to put inside Mt. Kohler. Considering the shear volume of food that I consumed yesterday, I know that when it comes out, it will turn my asshole into the size of one of those missile silo tubes. I haven't felt anything dislodge yet, but I know that it will not be long. I better go brew some coffee.
ReplyDeleteWell I just gave birth to a baby turkey and my asshole is so stretched it's like shaking a hot dog in the entrance of the Lincoln Tunnel.
ReplyDeleteThe holidays certainly prove to be an active time here, in the cultural center of the universe, Robort's blog. Congratulations go out to C-Dubbs on the birth of his brown baby turkey.
ReplyDeleteNo word from Coach after his last cryptic comment. I do hope that he cracked a window before he mounted his throne atop Mt.Kohler. Hopefully he didn't blast himself into orbit again. In semi related news, I am still waiting for the aftermath of my own Thanksgiving dinnor. I came home from a 3 hour MTB ride and was very hungry. I had at least 4 plates and most of a key lime pie. Still nothing. Nothing that could account for what went in anyway. So while we're waiting, a guest duty report from my dog Taco:
Two days ago, I woke up on the Doctor's pillow (he was already gone riding) to the noise of someone cooking. I can usually con someone into giving me at least a bite, although somtimes those stingy jerks won't give me anything. It seemed like a lot of cooking was going on, more than normal. I went out to the couch and waited.
When they finally finished cooking and sat down to eat, something unprecedented happened. Energor commanded Doctor to give me a plate, with everything on it. Mashed potatos, stuffing, mac&cheese, meat. I couldn't eat it fast enough. Those bastards finally gave me what I deserve. I ate until I couldn't move. After an hour of paralysis I was able to move to get a drink of water when I find that Energor put gravy on my food. So inspite of being in great gasterointestinal discomfort, I ate that as well. I was sent into a visionary state in which the great Energor appeared and to me and told me the secrets of the Golden Eel.
When I came to my senses, I was greeted by an earthquake like rumbling in my intestines. A sound emitted from my butt and scared my to my feet. I jumped into the bed and woke the Dr. I needed to go outside immediately.
As soon as my feet hit the dirt I was sniffing for a place to drop a fuji. I found a nice patch of actual dirt (I hate pooping on rocks, those jerks moved me to somewhere with no grass. anywhere.) There was piss on the dirt. I tasted it and realized that it wasn't mine. I will show these bastards to piss in my dirt. I immediatley hunched up and launched an assault of epic proportions. The blast almost knocked me onto my face. I shat out a mound almost equal in size to my body. How it was possible for all of that shit to fit inside my body I will never no. Energor indeed works in mysterious ways.
Happy 64th comment.
Taco
Happy Post-Thanksgiving Dookie to both Doctor and Mr. Dubs. The plop that I was in fear of actually went quite smoothly. Average cleanup, and a seemingly similar amount of volume to those which I had released not a week earlier. Energor was truly smiling down upon me, and had mercy on my brown eye.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting to get the perspective of a canine counterpart. I should perhaps one of these days regale you with the guest appearance by one of the mice in our house. Their turds aren't nearly as impressive in size; in fact they make grains of rice looks big. But, they are quite plentiful and show up in very creative areas. But not today, I have to weigh anchor before going to bed before waking up early to set up the CX race. I expect at least one coffee-induced shit-bomb before 9AM.
Energor Be Praised.
Well we can all breathe a sigh of relief now that we know that Coach has survived his relief.
ReplyDeleteCoaches report also brought to mind a phenomenon that I was pondering just yesterday. Have you ever noticed that sometimes it feels like you are going to drop the biggest Fuji that has evar been dropped, a Tandem Fuji to borrow C-Dubbs terminology, only to sit down and squeeze out a little mouse turd. Sometimes even as it is being delivered into the bowl it feels massive, but alas, upon standing a tiny turd is all that can be seen. What could possibly cause this discrepancy? Delivery speed perhaps? Is the small turd just coming out so slowly that it seems like a foot long? The answers to these questions could be the key to the mysteries of life. I am currently seeking government funding to study this phenomenon and determine how we can apply it to military technology. (good luck getting government funding for anything that doesn't have some military application.) All for now, I feel a rumbling sensation coming on.
Dr.
Doctor, I would like to propose to you that if you were to seek government funding, we suggest using my ass for military purposes, which I'm sure would greatly increase your chances of getting the grant. Of course, employing my ass against our enemies might go against the Geneva Convention, but what are you gonna do? Teh worst they can do is say no. But then, the worst I can do is... well... you've seen my work.
ReplyDeletePlease stand by while I poop my masterpiece. This morning, espresso and hummus combined within to form a highly combustible butt-fuel. I handily used this fuel to light the shit out of a fancy white porcelain reciever, located conveniently in a brand-new handi-capable restroom most recently installed by my employer. Found at the end of a lonely hall adjacent to Salon II of the main ballroom, I believe I've discovered a replica of the hallowed throne that each morning supports the weight of Energor himself. Updates to follow as I process this recent discovery, from digestion to deposit out of my crinkle-star.
ReplyDeleteEnergor has smiled upon us all. Not only have we received a post from Nicorn Toscani of Team Seagal fame, but he has discovered the Sacred Throne of Energor, from whence our spiritual leader dispenses turds of wisdom, and shit. This is terribly exciting, a discovery that will surely benefit all of mankind and help to usher us into the next phase of human evolution. A golden era of peace, wisdom, and shit, in the form of finely cured jenkems. Balloon after balloon of infinite wisdom and euphoria. Fermented shit vapor will soon be in the lungs of every man, woman, and child in the world. No longer will the Zambians hold a monopoly on the wisdom that Jenkem provides. Jenkem is the future of the human race. Praise Energor.
ReplyDeleteDr.
Where the fucking shit is the Robortion. We need a new post. Even with the comments collapsed it takes fucking ten minutes to get to the bottom. WTF?
For our 70th post (note post and not commment) I would like to tell you all a story.
ReplyDeleteEarlier this week, as often happens, Corey, master mechanic and total fag, ran to the bathroom in fear of shitting his pants. He chose the right path. If he hadn't run when he did, he would certainly would have shat all over the repair bay. Even though the bathroom is at the back of the shop the initial explosion followed by a scream could be heard all the way at the front of the shop. Today, upon finally adventuring into the customer bathroom, I noticed that the explosion had sprayed shit not only on the back of the bowl, but full circle all the way to the front. Energor would be pleased.
Dr.
Doctor the key to the funding is right before your eyes. Incorporate as a bank, make a shitty (no pun intended) the Coach's company that is secretly working on chemical warfare projects. As soon as Coach misses the first payment go into default and file for your TARP money.
ReplyDeleteOn the other matter of the smallest shit that roared just think of the childhood story of the princess and the pea, or your parents antidote that "good things come in small packages"
Ah it is good to hear from the long lost Nico. The discovery of the secret throne of Energor will allow you to present the next wedding party with the rarest of all gifts - the amazing curly cue.
ReplyDeleteThis present appears less often then the elusive cicada but is considered as sacred as the cow in India. There have been instances of forced curlys (equate this to the cubic zirconium) and reports have it that by eating burritos at Dos Primos for 5 consecutive days and stopping your ass with a plug will ensure maximum compaction and a devilshly long curled up staff of Energor.
Doctor, was the customer crapper explosion so bad that the underside of the seat was speckled?
Ah, I am glad to see our good friend Nico paying us a visit. I sure hope he returns again soon...
ReplyDeleteMy shit today reminded me a lot of Corky from "Life Goes On." It kind of just drooled out of my nasty brown eye, but with a force that left me barely able to speak intelligibly. It's a good thing that I made it atop Mt. Kohler in time, and my luck was with me because I wasn't able to check whether or not there was enough TP, and fortunately there was just enough.
I don't think that MC Stankles has any clear idea just as to how far we have taken the Doctor's Original Blog, or the D.O.B. We can certainly hit 100 posts before the his new post... I almost hope that we do!
Yes C-Dubbs, I am afraid that there was overspray everywhere. Corey was literally heard screaming all the way at the front of the shop. It was a gruesome scene indeed. I'll see about having him write a report once hhe has recovered emotionally enough to talk about it.
ReplyDeleteD.O.B. I like it. It has a very gang/street sounding ring to it. Like the D.O.C. on American History X. Maybe I'll get it tatooed on my neck.
Mrs. Dr. was literally in tears of amazement when you compared your Fuji to Corky. Holy shit that was amazors. Praise Energor.
On a more serious note, we should all go into business together. I think C-Dubbs Plan just might work. Surely they could use the nuero-toxic properties of Coach's gas in the War on Terror. If a hydrogen bomb is powerful, wouldn't a jenkem bomb be even more so? Since the D.O.B. is fairly hidden in the Intertubes we could develop our strategy remotely until the final secret stages which have to take place at Team Seagal HQ.
I do hope that Indiana Toscani is doing well. Investigating the Throne Of Energor could well prove to be a dangerous task. Send him your thoughts when you hit the balloon today.
Dr.
This is a great idea, indeed. I shall start work on my own jenkem-neurotoxin, getting the right blend of White Castle, Dos Primos, Coffee, and Clif Bars. The worst part will be the Clif Bars. At that point, hopefully with some help from C-Dubs, we'll set up a meeting with some trusted military officials where we can demonstrate the power of my new jenkem-neurotoxin. It will be sure to send the victim into an intense state of euphoria, where he will be debilitatingly stuck reminiscing about times past. Perhaps we can even deploy this new weapon, Energor willing, in races. I'd really like to get Toscani and possibly even Elder Toscani to chime in with their thoughts here. Doctor, what does Ms. Wesley McLaren have to say about this idea? And what about Taco? Perhaps I could use some of Taco's fujis in my jenkem-neurotoxin blend.
ReplyDeleteEnergor Be Praised.
where the fuck is robort
Btw Doctor, what is "Vitamin L?" You made reference to it in a previous comment. I mean, post, since this is your blorg.
ReplyDeleteOh and C-Dubs - in a previous comment, (or post, since this is Doctor's blorg, and it is a very community-oriented blorg) you mentioned how you are a "regular guy." I like this. I think that I'll start describing myself to people as a "regular guy." Only they'll all think that I'm just trying to be modest, in other words 'normal,' but I'll actually mean that I take shits on a regular basis. In other words, my shits come in regular intervals. Feces regularly comes out of my asshole. It is a regular occurrence for me to be blowing out my shitter while atop Mt. Kohler.
ReplyDeleteCasey F. Ryback - Regular Guy.
Coach,
ReplyDeleteLSD
Dr.
regular guy
Just a "regular guy" although the last couple of weeks I have been "irregular man" since a hip injury has forced me to seek the aid of vitamin vicoden and thus I am suffering from Coach's feared rabbit pellet syndrome. A good round of coffee and the anticipation of going out to set the Beer Cross course brought harmony to the house of stink eye as I doubled up on my contribution to society
ReplyDelete"A Tale of Two Shits" by CFR
ReplyDeleteIt was the best of times, it was the about-to-burst of times. I found myself awake this morning, 2 cups into a pot of coffee when that pressure that I know so well suddenly started to build. I guess I should have expected it, as the previous day had all the right ingredients for an amazingly powerful Fuji, a Team Issue model in fact. Yesterday was of course, the Missouri State Cyclocross Championships. Of course, there was plenty of PBRs a flowing, beers of the pint variety. Not long after the festivities, we took our leave to the local Wings eatery where I consumed much in the way of chicken pasta, wings, and more beer. So it stands to reason that it wouldn't be long upon waking up that my ass would erupt like Mt. Fuji, from which the fujis would flow.
So yes, I was perched atop the porcelain mouth that eats my shit, and almost as a knee-jerk reaction there was immediately released, two perfect logs, floating next to each other like two pieces of driftwood, without any sort of connection. Fortunately, clean-up was a breeze, and the world was right again.
Energor be with you.
-Casey Ryback, Regular Guy
Look at all the culture that we have here. Literature, Beer Cross (not sure how that's different than regular cross)and drug use. What an amazing 80th comment. We will surely break 100 soon, at which point we should call Robort every hour on the hour until we get a new post. In the meantime, I was so inspired by Coach's heart wrenching tale that I have written a short story of my own.
ReplyDeleteFrosty the Snow Fuji
by Dr. Wesley McLaren, of Team Seagal fame.
One chilly day in the mountains of northern Arizona a young Doctor awoke from his slumber to a blanket of freshly fallen, wind blown snow in which to ride to work. Indeed, quite shockingly, a snow storm had blown through and left several inches of crunchy powder on all of the roads. The anticipation of blasting through the snow on the MTB put the young Doctor's intestines in a knot. A couple cups of piping hot coffee later our hero found himself in a dead sprint to the top of Mt. Kohler, whereupon explosion after explosion could be heard.
Now, there was no way the Doctor could have been prepared for what happened next. He arose to find a snowman shaped fuji actually climbing out of the bowl. The fuji man upon exiting the bowl introduced himself as Clayton Gordon Stude. He was an impressive creature to behold. Standing about 3 feet tall, with a large round body, and oddly enough a full head of hair of the short and curly variety. He spoke with a coarse grumbly voice.
We hit it off immediately. Clayton was a surprisingly funny Fuji, and infinitely wise. He did have a bit of a stench to him though. A sort of rancid, nutty aroma. As Clayton was imparting his infinite wisdom to me I noticed that the time had come for my snow filled journey to work. Clayton decided to go with me, running alongside my bike the whole way.
As it turns out, people in AZ don't know how to drive in the snow, as they rarely see it in any significant amount. As we were making our way down an icy hillside, a car came sliding towards us, narrowly missing me and splattering my Fuji man all over me and the surrounding snow drifts. I will miss my Fuji man, and I will pass on the wisdom that he so graciously passed unto me, as I passed him unto the bowl.
The End
well, not all stories can have happy endings. It is for the better though. He really stunk.
I was feeling really inspired today (probably since I started with an atomic bomb size fuji right out of bed) so I penned this little diddy....sing it to the tune of "Home on the Range"
ReplyDeleteOh, give me a home where the toilet bowls roam
And Fuji and Energor play
Where morning stars with a discouraging fart
And the toilet bowl is a part of my heart
Home, home on Mt Kohler
Where Fuji and Energor play
Where morning stars with a discouraging fart
And the toilet bowl is a part of my heart
How often at night when my ass is alight
With the gas from a Dos Primos nacho
Have I stood there amazed and asked as I gazed
If their glory hole exceeds that of a Cheerio
Home, home on Mt Kohler
Where Fuji and Energor play
Where morning stars with a discouraging fart
And the toilet bowl is a part of my heart
Where the Energor is so pure, the TP is free
The ass gas so balmy and light
That I would not exchange my home on Mt Kohler
For all of the Porto Johns so bright
Home, home on Mt Kohler
Where Fuji and Energor play
Where morning stars with a discouraging fart
And the toilet bowl is a part of my heart
Oh, I love those winds o’Energor in this dear land of ours
In the Port-a-lew, I love to hear them scream
And I love the crap piles and toilet paper of miles
That fill Mt Kohler’s screen
Home, home on Mt Kohler
Where Fuji and Energor play
Where morning stars with a discouraging fart
And the toilet bowl is a part of my heart
Oh my God!!
ReplyDeleteDoctor did this little diddy inspire a massive fuji?
ReplyDeleteIndeed Mr Dubbs, in fact I almost fuji'd out my nose. This may be possibly the finest post on Robort's blog to date. I hereby decree that this shall be the official theme song of Robort's blog, to be sung daily to Energor for atonement for the sins commited against Mt. Kohler. I am so inspired in fact, that I must visit Mt. Kohler immediately
ReplyDeleteDoctor-very regular guy
Holy crap! C-Dubs, I am simply in awe of your inspired poo-em. (poem.) Somehow all of those good vibes and crunchy rhymes spewed forth by our passage must have transmitted directly to my intestinal tract, because the last 4 days I have had the most "inspired" of fujis. And by "inspired," I mean "relentless diarrhea. I literally have not had a solid fuji in 4-5 days. I feel fine otherwise. Granted, all 3 or 4 fluid-fujis that I offered up to Mt. Kohler yesterday were more the direct result of the previous night that I spent drinking extremely heavily, and eating one of Fellet's "chinese cookies." And of course, every single one of these "spray-fujis" has been accompanied by he spelling-splashback.
ReplyDeleteI feel another fluid-fuji coming on right now... I had better start reciting C-Dub's Ode to Energor in hopes that he bestows clear sailing and easy cleanup upon me and my exit hole.
Happy 86th post.
Just think of the intellectual levels we have reached thanks to Robort. Fuji, Spelling Splash Back, Mt Kohler. My god these could be potential entries in the Oxford English Dicktionary! FYI Coach the liquid fuji is also known as the Kilauea Crap due to the steamy hot flow of magma eminating from one's ass. Rumor has it the N1H1 variety of Kilauea Crap can melt Mt Kohler with a single rush of hot magma into the cool icy waters.
ReplyDeleteOnward we march to the milestone, post #100, is the good Doctor lurking in the deep weeds waiting for #99 to post before hearlding us with tales of dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool?
C-Dubs, the Kilauea Crap is a horrific occurrence that has taken a rest within my ass. i am back to solids again, thank Energor.
ReplyDeleteOn another one of your points, I must say that I am also anxiously awaiting Doctor's 100th post. I will certainly let him take that honor. I think he should use the 100th post as sort of a "Variety Hour Post" with multiple guest contributors, covering a wide range of topics, all in celebration of our collective monumental achievement.
I am about to hit the sack/bed, but before my final resting place, I will be making a stop at Mt. Kohler to put my fuji in its "final resting place."
Energor be with you.
Kilauea sounds terrifying. I am glad to hear that Coarch has recovered, with only days to spare before CXMAS. As I write this, the 89th sheet in the roll that is OUR blog, I am overcome by waves of Euphoria and times past. Such as the pool of money we raised to try and get Robortion to huff jenkem for real. I think we got it up to over $350 in all, actual money, but he wouldn't do it. (I was honestly pretty surprised by that since he eats bugs for $1) Seriously a great guy though. Or the time the president of Fuji dropped an explosive, very loud Fuji in our very gross shop bathroom. No Fuji, the President of Fuji. And it has been months since I've had a delicious Brahquito, which is really probably pretty good for my cholesterol. I am also off of the Monstor. It's seriously been months. This means another Energor will not be built.
ReplyDeleteAll this euphoria and times past it making me have to produce another fine batch of jenekm. I must go before I produce it in my pants.
Had Coach not recovered for CXMas it could have been quite a site. Imagine a rider clad in Santa attire (sans pants) spraying loads of liquid Fuji on any competition that attempted to get in the way of a Team Seagal win!
ReplyDeleteGentlemen, Greetings. For it has indeed been a long time since I felt I could share with you a fuji experience. However, today has been joyous (and by that I mean horrific) and hence, you should be made aware.
ReplyDeleteAllow me to preface this tale with a little background information. I have recently taken a new job which no longer requires me to visit an actual "office," but rather to "work" from my home. Consequently, I have been able to devote much time not only to creating intoxicatingly delicious evening meals for Mrs. Punchor and I, but also to large quantities of breakfast meals....a treat to which I am not normally accustomed.
Last night's dinner consisted of a shrimp and asparagus stir fry with copious amounts of both ginger and garlic served atop steamed brown rice. This was washed down with two large bottles of Charlaville's "Hoptimistic IPA," three Schlafly Coffee Stouts and about a half dozen cans of Stag. Then a brief conversation with a Chinaman.
At some point during the night, I began to realize that I do indeed have a cold (sore throat, coughing, cold sweats, etc), so at about 2:00am I began a Zicam & Robitussin regimen which has continued into this morning.
Back to breakfast....I enjoyed a left over BBQ pork steak and three scrambled eggs covered in Cholula hot sauce along with a pot of Kaldi's "Cafe Kaldi" coffee. This set in motion a chain of events which has left me without the use of my lower extremities for the better part of two hours.
Upon heading down to the basement, where "my" throne room is located, I immediately knew that something of epic proportions was about to happen. My abdomen was quaking in anticipation. I quickly alerted my wife that it would be in her best interest to expediently take our son and evacuate the area. She quickly realized the seriousness of my tone and complied.
Good thing. What happened next shook me to my very foundations. First, the asparagus stench of the urine. Strong, pungent, sweet. Then the fuji started.....slowly, almost as if it were a ninja with really, really bad breath attempting to sneak up on me. Things were quiet, too quiet. The first large log, the base of the mountain, had been laid. I knew I was in for trouble when my blow hole then began to scream. I'm talking loud, angry, guttural noises accompanied by loose, rocky, porcelain spackling filth.
The next 30 minutes were so loud and painful that I nearly lost consciousness. Log after log rushed forth, and in between, that cement-like filler. It rose to a twisted, lumpy height of nearly eight inches (measured from bottom of bowl to steaming summit using a length of wire fashioned from an old hanger). It resembled a Tahitian island...standing alone in the brown water wasteland of my basement bowl.
Ream upon ream of Sam's Club "Member's Mark" TP were laid to waste. My anus felt as though it was the porthole through which an entire Titanic's worth of overweight sailors escaped, only to realize that they were on their way to a watery death.
I flushed and flushed, five in all, before all the evidence was gone. And gentlemen, this is no "Earth Friendly" one gallon per flush throne. I ran half the volume of Council Bluff Lake through the pipes. I feel blessed and lucky to be alive.
Energor would be proud.
The gods have truly blessed Cock Puncher, perhaps it was an omen to direct you back to Robort's blog and the never ending chain of Pulitzer Prize winning writing. It has been too long since Energor has blessed me with such a divine load, I might just have to go home and cringe at the edge of the sink, holding back the mother lode until I am ready to explode and then sit atop Mt. Kohler and try to shatter the porcelean.
ReplyDeletePunchor of the Cocks, your tale of the monumental deuce was truly one of the high points of this blog. an expertly spun yarn, I couldn't wait to hear how it all looked once your "mas-'turd'-piece" was completed. My morning deuce today was not very inspiring, however it was actually what brought me out of bed. I don't know that I've ever woken up to take a fat shit.
ReplyDeleteIf only Robort were here.
The CockPunchor ladies and gents. What an amazing tale. ninjas with bad breath, coffee stout, partial paralysis. Amazing. Energor would truly be proud of us all just for having read that, let alone having written such a beautiful tale.
ReplyDeleteSadly I too have been void of any amazing fuji's in the past week or so. Just mundane standard fare for the Doctor. Howevar, with the weeklong drinking binge that is Christmas coming up that should change. Copious amounts of food and drink always bring out the best from my intestines.
I can't believe it, but it looks like we'll hit our 100th post by Christmas. Maybe Robort will give us a new post for the holidays. Coach, perhaps you can use your proximity to influence him to do so, or at least beat the password out of him and we can take ovar the entire blorg again.
Dr
I don't know about the rest of you but topping my CXmas wish list is a petrified mini fuji tree ornament and a full emptying of the colon into Mt. Kohler right after the presents are unwrapped.
ReplyDeleteMy CXMAS wish is to unwrap presents atop my throne to avoid that painful max heart rate sprint to Mt Kohler.
ReplyDeleteAs I sit here in my custom CXMAS 2008 podium finishers hat writing hilarious words of wisdom CXMAS 2009 is likely coming to a close for the podium finishers of this years event. It sounds like conditions for this years event will be warmer and sloppier as a result. Energor is smiling upon the STL area as this test of Superior Attitude takes place. Who will win? Toscani on his fixed gear perhaps? Only time and Coarch will tell. (Coarch likely in a rhyming fashion) All this anticipation is tying my fragile intestines in a knot. That combined with the fact that our shop Christmas party is today, and for some reason the owner dropped 120 beers off this morning. ( a bad idea when all of your employees are alcoholics) Tomorrow's Fuji should be nothing short of amazing. Details to come.
I am just some random homeless dude that walked into the shop to get his roadmaster tuned and saw the bearded mechanic writing on this page full of shit reports and just have to say that as a homeless man riding a mean roadmaster that I shit my pants daily, in fact as I sit here now typing this i can feel the warmth of my last shit in my pants
ReplyDeletePraise the lord, not only are we fast approaching the milestone 100th posting on Roborts blog but the powers of TV evangelism have provided such inspirational powers to my taint that this morning I was blessed with a miracle. No it was not the little baby jesus but the divine son of Energor.
ReplyDeleteOver the last month I have been suffering from issues with my hip that have kept me to a limit of 30 minutes per day on the bike and dipping into the candy bowl of pain killers with more frequency then Tiger Woods after the wife teed up his head with that 3 iron. The result has been a stoppage that could rival the waters held back by the Hoover dam.
Well the blessed Mrs C-Dubs has been keeping the diet healthy to prevent an internal explosion of the colon, last night finishing it off with a spicy jerk catfish last night. The back up was getting to the point where one passer by questioned if I was entering the second trimester of pregnancy.
Well it was time to implement the NECS version of the final solution. Several years ago during La Ruta I suffered a similar fate and it wasn't until I topped the volcanos in the Poa region and descended onto the valley floor below that I was saved with a powerful cup of Poa's Tierra Volcanica coffee. So fine and powerful was this brew that my bowels immediately surrendered to the fate at hand and the turtle poked it's head out of it's shell within minutes of the first sip I found myself scrambling for the nearest ditch to get the chaimos off before I dropped the deuce in them.
Today, fearing the massive amounts of snow that were forecast and the subsequent shoveling that would further strain my bloated colon, I went ahead and made up a super strong pot of the very same Poa and my dear friends your narrator suffered a similar fate to the one on the slopes of the Poa volcano in Costa Rica. As I rambled into the kitchen just the very sent of the brew brought me to my knees as my intestines knotted up with anticipation of the mother lode that was about to be delivered to Mt. Kohler. Again, no sooner had the first sip passed over the taste buds of my tongue then I was scrambling for the can, so bad was the need to unload that I had to waddle the final 20 feet like an Emperor penguin and position myself for an emergency landing. Right as I unzipped and started to drop trow there was an explosion that rivaled that of Nagasaki. Praise Energor, the touch down was spot on and I was able to direct the full force my anal cargo right into the depths of Mt Kohler. Of course there was the feared Spelling Splash Back but this was a small price to pay for such relief.
Wave after wave of cramping passed through me and the magma flowed from my taint with such velocity that I feared the pile would be so high it would lift me off the rim. With lightning reflexes I reached for the lever and used the famous courtesy flush to empty round one it the septic system of HQ. Fear not there was more then enough left in me to create a second mountain that like a newly formed volcano in the Pacific, managed to top the waters and had a tip that reminded me of a soft ice cream cone. This was a steamer for the record books and due to the catfish provided the materials for what might be the first jerk jenkem sauce.
I feel round two coming up so I have to go!
Casey here. Today we have a guest contributor. If you have read the recent CXmas-2009 post that I put up entitled "How the Wrench Stole CXmas," then you may have seen the photo of a human fuji laying on the ground. It was hard to miss if you were manning that checkpoint - right in the middle of the road. Fresh, too. I caught up with the hunter who left that fuji and got him to scribble down his account of that fateful moment.
ReplyDelete*Thanks you gay sonofabitch. So I had just done did been out huntin' fer some squirrel, but all I found was some queers in the bushes. I thought to myself, 'when in Rome...' and I went to town layin' sum pipe. It was at the moment of money-shot that I herd him sayin' sumthin' about 'Witnessing a robortion' whatever that means. It was hard to hear because my ears were clogged with ball-spew. My thirst for man-load quenched, i wiped my face off with sum leaves and pulled my pants up, having a nice squeegee-effect of guy-goo on my ass as my belt scraped along my skin. But just then, all that hard butthole-reaming must have knocked some poo loose. Not that it mattered, becuz my asshole was about as loose as an un-inflated bike tube when not in the tire. So I fortunately hadn't even buckled my man-belt when i realized it was about to drop, and so I pulled down my Carhartts and let lose a nice little soft-serve pile right where everyone would see it. I thought about going all japanese-business-man on that poo, but suddenly realized that my sister and my dad were at home waiting for me to pee on their faces and serve my pee-hole-punch into the back of their throats."
And there you have it, a random Missouri hunter telling us about his fuji. I am in great anticipation of the 100th post, which should be next.
Energor Be Praised.
-Casey F. Ryback, Regular Guy
Well Ladies and Jerks, the 100th post is here. What an amazing journey it has been. It seems like only yesterday we were traveling the Jenkem River on the Cleveland Steamer and Coach was making the first comment on this, the greatest blog evar. I come to you with a tale of a deuce, or a series of deuces rather, worthy of the illustrious 100th post.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, in my last post I mention CXMAS taking place as I was typing. If you look closely this was written on Saturday. Since we all know that CXMAS was on Sunday, we can assume that I must have been drunk and confused because in the same post I mention 120 beers being on the premises. These beers were supposed to be for our shop Christmas party. As I also mentioned, all of us here at the shop probably qualify as functioning alcoholics, and the beers were here at the beginning of our shift.
We held out as long as we could, and at about 1:30 that afternoon broke down and started drinking at an alarming rate. It is important to understand that these were not high quality beers. The best of the lot was Tecate. We pretty much consumed the entire 30 pack by 5:30 when the party started and the owner showed up. We moved on to the 30 pack of Budweiser, which didn't stand a chance. At this point I was visibly drunk. A few of us retired to the parking lot for a visit with our chinaman friend. During all of this drinking there was also constant consumption of nuts, sunchips and pizza. We continued drinking, working our way through a 30 pack of some weird generic Corona and another one of Bud light. I am not sure how many beers I had had, but I was really drunk at this point. We leave the party and stopped by Corey's house with the chinaman. I somehow rode my bike the two blocks from his house to mine and ate a bowl of beans before passing out. I thought to myself that my dry streak, so to speak, was coming to an end.
I awoke in the morning green with anticipation and lack of oxygen due to the high methane content of the air in my room. Something big was about to happen. I stretched, did some deep breathing exercises, and mounted my throne. Just as I suspected, a powerful Fuji mudslide began. A stench of stale beer and farts arose from the depths of the bowl producing an intoxicating effect. Waves of Euphoria and times past washed over me. I arose to find a voluminous mountain of shit, the peak of which almost rose above the toilet seat.
Impressed and relieved, I went to have my morning coffee and make an omelet. Just as I put the finishing touches on the omelet I found myself sprinting for the throne again. That first cup of coffee had knocked another one loose. This one proved to be entirely liquid in nature, and smelled horribly of cheap beer. after the sheer size of the first one I was surprised there even was a second one. Man what a doozy. Spelling splashback and everything. I was fortunate to have survived, and caught a second jenkem high for the day. Instant jenkem, no fermentation necessary.
After this amazing start to the day, Corey and I went to our friend Damon's backyard pumptrack/dirt jump park. Fucking sweet. Corey fell like ten feet onto his head and cracked his dirt lid style helmet and I did like a million body crushing laps on the pump track. I also consumed four brats and several delicious IPA's at the pump track. I awoke this morning to a much more pleasant, but equally large in size Fuji, followed by a second at work. I think the synchronicity between CXMAS, the 100th post, and having a string of magnificently entertaining Fujis is undeniable. Greater forces than those experienced by my toilet are at work here. Praise Energor.
Happy 100th post, and here's to 100 more. (Although it would be nice if Robort were to give us a new post every now and again.)
Dr. Wesley McLaren
Fantasticly regular guy
And to mark the turn of the century and ring in the holidays the New East Coast Syndicate brings you this diddy sung to the tune of Jingle Bells -
ReplyDeleteDashing for the bowl
In a very desperate way
Through the halls we go
Bowels cramping all the way
Bells on my balls ring
Making my taint so tight
What fun it is to fart and sing
A Fuji song tonight
Oh, jenkem bells, jenkem smells
Energor all the way
Oh, what fun it is to hide
An upper decker every day
Oh, jenkem bells, jenkem smells
Energor all the way
Oh, what fun it is to hide
An upper decker every day
A deuce or two ago
I thought I'd hit my stride
And with my bunghole tight
Mt. Kohler was by my side
The deuce was lean and lank
Misfortune it splashed a lot
As I dropped one in the tank
My ass was burning hot
Oh, jenkem bells, jenkem smells
Energor all the way
Oh, what fun it is to hide
An upper decker every day
Oh, jenkem bells, jenkem smells
Energor all the way
Oh, what fun it is to hide
An upper decker every day
Oh, jenkem bells, jenkem smells
Energor all the way
Oh, what fun it is to hide
An upper decker every day
Oh, jenkem bells, jenkem smells
Energor all the way
Oh, what fun it is to hide
An upper decker every day
C-Dubbs with another amazing tune. This man is truly a lyrical genius. A perfect example of the high culture that we enjoy here in the vast comments section of Robort's blorg. Keep 'em coming jerks.
ReplyDeleteDoctor, it is smiply the influences of living in a center of culture like New York City. Glad to see that my diddy has brought high spirits to you holiday. May the chinaman greet you during the opening of the presents.
ReplyDeleteHoly Shit - very seldom has my mind been blown twice in such short succession! First with the 100th poop post, and then less than 30 seconds later with new holiday song Jenkem Bells by Mr. C-Dubs. I think that Mr. Dubs had best put a copyright on that little jingle because it is SURE to be a classic carol soon - one to be sung door to door, ideally right before leaving a fat flaming fuji right on the stoop.
ReplyDeleteI think that waiting for Robort to bless us with another post sort of reminds me of waiting for the messiah to return and bring us to salvation. I know there are those among us who don't believe he will be returning, but I hold out hope that Energor will once again send his only begotten son back to show us the Truth.
I am about to be riding a Fuji mudslide down the slopes of Mt. Kohler on a TP toboggan. This is going to be ugly, but also euphoric and reminiscent of times past. As always.
Energor Be Praised.
Whatever happened to Robort's girlfriend? Do you think she still visits this site?
ReplyDeleteExcellent posts by the Doctor, C-Dubs, and Punchor. Your toilet bowl wit is beginning to rival the master himself, Casey F. Ryback. Great minds think alike.
Here's my short take on things relating to the building blocks of jenkem:
I deposit fifty percent of my fujis at America's largest retailer. Who else can say the same? (A bunch of my coworkers, but that's not you guys). I enjoy free toilet paper, water, soap, and paper towels from the corporation that Energor himself created before he was banned from heaven for shitting down the mouth of a dead hooker. Public restrooms are awesome other than the fact that your sitting in a hundred other people's filth. For some people that is probably the closest thing they get to sex in any given day. Think about that the next time you have to use a public restroom with the only alternative being that you will shit your pants. Maybe you'll just shit your pants, go home, throw your soiled duds in the garbage and move on with life. Personally, I'm beyond caring. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm facing every microbe America has to offer on a daily basis. What did you do yesterday?
Moving on, Cock Punchor's drinking exploits are extraordinary. He puts in his day's work, drinks sixteen or twenty beers, then it's off to bed. It's amazing what you can do to a liver if you really, really try.
I feel sorry for the Doctor and all of the cheap 30 packs that his boss forced him to consume. Drinking Budweiser is no way to go through life. I'm sure it was fun at the time, but quality beer would have been so much more enjoyable. Sometimes it's hard to resist the temptation of free beer, but you really, really should.
King Furby dropping in with some words of wisdom, garnered through hard personal struggle through many mornings suffering the after effects of cheap beers. I strongly agree, cheap beers are best left in the box. This is why immediately following my two amazing Fuji's and just prior to shredding Damon's pump track I purchased a 6er of the delicious canned Modus Hoperandi IPAs produced by Ska Brewing in Durango. I know all who were present at SSWC09 are familiar with this delicious beer. I would say it is by far the best beer to enjoy for breakfast, if you're into that sort of thing anyway. I know Punchor is, that was an impressive tally. I feel that we are all doing our part to further the evolution of the human liver. The livers of our children will surely be made stronger by our daily exploits.
ReplyDeleteIt is on that note that my Chinese friend and I are going to go to the bathroom together, and enjoy my second Fuji of the morning.
Praise Energor, Amen
Dr
Well Coach I won’t copyright that diddy but I will offer it up to Team Seagal to be sung by all before the start of the CXmas Non Race, much like the national anthem is sung before a Cardinals game.
ReplyDeleteBrain, it really is a case of great taints think alike. As for me and the public toilet say it is like a video game – point, shoot and see if you hit the target. If not there is a mess all over the place but it won’t be the first or last time that happens in a public bathroom. Now the great Punchor of Cocks, well what you are witnessing is the equivalent of a professional athlete at the peak of his game. Punchor has taken the game to a level that not many can achieve even for one night let alone repeatedly. About the suffering Doctor had to endure with the cheap beer, sure all of us would like to bed a super model but sometimes the local slut takes care of all our needs. And by the way Doctor in terms of early morning drinking my motto has always been “it’s noon somewhere in the world”, I am a big fan of the morning beer as you all witnessed on my Moab blog. C-Dubs cure for the morning hangover, a strong cup of Joe with a healthy shot of Kahlua and a talk deep conversation with the chinaman.
Now all of this talk of boozing and crapping got to me and halfway through this I had to run for the stalls. And when you work at an investment bank where there are 7 stalls and over 500 hairy asses you can imagine how bad it can be.....the gas station john can be a safer place. Well I did manage to lay out a pair of fuji’s that were so straight and long they could have been used for tubing on a custom Energor frame – wow what a concept!
Well Coach I won’t copyright that diddy but I will offer it up to Team Seagal to be sung by all before the start of the CXmas Non Race, much like the national anthem is sung before a Cardinals game.
ReplyDeleteBrain, it really is a case of great taints think alike. As for me and the public toilet say it is like a video game – point, shoot and see if you hit the target. If not there is a mess all over the place but it won’t be the first or last time that happens in a public bathroom. Now the great Punchor of Cocks, well what you are witnessing is the equivalent of a professional athlete at the peak of his game. Punchor has taken the game to a level that not many can achieve even for one night let alone repeatedly. About the suffering Doctor had to endure with the cheap beer, sure all of us would like to bed a super model but sometimes the local slut takes care of all our needs. And by the way Doctor in terms of early morning drinking my motto has always been “it’s noon somewhere in the world”, I am a big fan of the morning beer as you all witnessed on my Moab blog. C-Dubs cure for the morning hangover, a strong cup of Joe with a healthy shot of Kahlua and a talk deep conversation with the chinaman.
Now all of this talk of boozing and crapping got to me and halfway through this I had to run for the stalls. And when you work at an investment bank where there are 7 stalls and over 500 hairy asses you can imagine how bad it can be.....the gas station john can be a safer place. Well I did manage to lay out a pair of fuji’s that were so straight and long they could have been used for tubing on a custom Energor frame – wow what a concept!
I really can't believe that even after over 100 posts, we still manage to keep raising the intellectual bar. C-Dubbs last post broke it down. It was like that book "Everything I ever needed to know I learned in Kindergarten." I think I will write a book entitled "Everything I ever needed to know I learned in the comments section of Robort's Blorg" It will surely make the best seller list.
ReplyDeleteOn top of all that, I have decided to start making frames. I may not have the know how that Fellet or the guys at IndyFab have, but I will be working with the most cutting edge material. Jenkem Cycles will be the name of my company and my frames will be made of Jenkem resin which is the petrified byproduct of Jenkem production. You see, after the gas has been huffed, and after you come down from your waves of euphoria, the remnants in the bottom of the two liter are collected and forced into a tubular shape with a device similar to the playdoh machine that turns your playdoh into spaghetti. A short drying period and the tube is ready to be Urine formed, a process very similar to Hydroforming, that allows us to tune the ride quality of the frame. The tube is placed in a mold and forced into it's shape by a powerful stream of urine. Once the tubes have been shaped and mitered, they are bound together with TP and more jenkem resin, just like the Calfee Bamboo frames. The result is laterally stiff, yet vertically compliant frame that is 100% sustainable. In fact, these frames will be even more sustainable than those made by Mr Calfee. I will travel to Zambia to harvest the finest ingredients and to teach them the production methods. Soon Zambia will become what Italy or Belgium are to cycling. It will be THE cycling meca of the world. The tour of Zambia will replace the Tour de France entirely. On top of all of this, the number one reason to buy this frame is that if you are riding in sunny conditions, it will give of a light jenkem vapor. Just enough to catch a buzz, not enough to be disorienting. Enough for now, I have to start working immediately. And I have to take a fuji.
Good Doctor, I would like to officially be the #1 person on your list (Or maybe even better, #2) to be the first person to get a jenkem frame. Just imagine the possibilities - "Hey Crotch, what a shitty bike you have!" "Why thanks, Nico!"
ReplyDeleteI think that given the right muscle control, you might be able to produce a frame like that out of your own ass. I know that my own turds as of lately, i.e. through the holidays, have been very sturdy. In fact I bet that employing some of the same methods that early pueblo indians and pioneers to make houses and dwellings out of cow/buffalo turds, you could make a frame with sun-dried turds fresh from the toilet bowl.
This truly is the cultural center of at least my universe. I am a lucky man.
Praise Energor.
I thank Energor for the truly happy holiday season I have enjoyed with my family.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite memories include: warming our hands over the jenkem log and inhaling its euphoric fumes; singing holiday carols to our dark lord from the comments sections of Robort's blog; drinking a 12 pack of Schlafly Coffee Stout on a cold, snowy, post Christmas evening (purchased with a gift card my mom gave to me); but the most precious memory of all was participating in his creation, the second annual CXMas non-race.
Happy holidays Robort and Robort's fake girlfriend. Soon you will be bound in wedded bless under the titanium and carbon fiber sword of Energor...or so your mom hopes. See you all next year.
First of all it is amazing the amount of momenteum we have going on Robort's blog, it was just a week ago that the 100 post mark was hit and already we have passed the 10% mark for the second 100 posts. At this rate the piles of jenkem on the trails will still be frozen when the 200th post goes up.
ReplyDeleteSecondly with the Doctor setting up Jenkem Cycles it is time to start coming up with some catchy branding, think of the possibiliites.....on a freshly made Jenkem Cycle "that is a hot shit frame (literally)or in general "that Jenkem Cycle frame is a piece of shit". Then there will be the usual toilet humor, no longer will one drop a fuji or a deuce in the bowl, now after a unusually big crap one can make the comment "I just dropped a 29er in the bowl" or "you should have seen the pair of chainstays my ass just forged". The time is at hand to open the forum to ideas for branding, logos and model names for Jenkem Cycles.
Jenkem Cycles 2010 Models
ReplyDeleteTurd Burglar
Ass Bandit
Cleveland Steamer
Hershey Highway
The Deuce
Energor
Upper Decker
Mt. Kohler
The Log
Taint Master
Robortion
Shit Bike
Well loyal fans of Roborts blog the NECS brings you this final little tune, The Tweleve Days of Jenkem, to close out 2009...enjoy!
ReplyDeleteThe Twelve Days of Jenkem
On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me a giant crap on the top of my tree.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me two rolls of tp and a giant crap on the top of my tree.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, three Cleveland Steamers, two rolls of tp and a giant crap on the top of my tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, four upper deckers, three Cleveland Steamers, two rolls of tp and a giant crap on the top of my tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, five golden showers, four upper deckers, three Cleveland Steamers, two rolls of tp and a giant crap on the top of my tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, six geese a-crapping, five golden showers, four upper deckers, three Cleveland Steamers, two rolls of tp and a giant crap on the top of my tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, seven shots of Jenkem, six geese a-crapping, five golden showers, four upper deckers, three Cleveland Steamers, two rolls of tp and a giant crap on the top of my tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, eight inches of pink steel, seven shots of Jenkem, six geese a-crapping, five golden showers, four upper deckers, three Cleveland Steamers, two rolls of tp and a giant crap on the top of my tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, nine chinamen a-smoking, eight inches of pink steel, seven shots of Jenkem, six geese a-crapping, five golden showers, four upper deckers, three Cleveland Steamers, two rolls of tp and a giant crap on the top of my tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, ten Tracy Lords films, nine chinamen a-smoking, eight inches of pink steel, seven shots of Jenkem, six geese a-crapping, five golden showers, four upper deckers, three Cleveland Steamers, two rolls of tp and a giant crap on the top of my tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, eleven bongs aloaded, ten Tracy Lords films, nine chinamen a-smoking, eight inches of pink steel, seven shots of Jenkem, six geese a-crapping, five golden showers, four upper deckers, three Cleveland Steamers, two rolls of tp and a giant crap on the top of my tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me twelve PBRs, eleven bongs aloaded, ten Tracy Lords films, nine chinamen a-smoking, eight inches of pink steel, seven shots of Jenkem, six geese a-crapping, five golden showers, four upper deckers, three Cleveland Steamers, two rolls of tp and a giant crap on the top of my tree.
C-dubs, once again the Cultural Center of the Intertubes is shining brightly, much like the star that is the center of our solar system.
ReplyDeleteTo add to you list of 2010 Jenkem Cycles models,
-Fuji Streak
-Mudfall
-Like-Riding-On-A-Fart-Cloud (a cruiser model)
-The Butt-Mud-one (an homage to the Trek Madone)
-the Poo-Baix (an homage to the Spec'd and Fuji Roubaix)
-Brown Cheerio
-Shat-City (an homage to the late Fat City cycles)
-The Floater, which will be one of those huge bikes that you can ride on the water with monster paddle-tires
I see a great future in this, Energor Willing.
CFR, Regular Guy
2009 will go down as the year of Robort's Blog and the birth of Jenkem Cycles. Coach those are fantastic names, next up is colors and I know we can come up with some great winners. Oh yeah it is New Years day and time for the annual ride, it's just past 6:30 and already I have put a beautiful deuce into the bowl. The wafting odors of Jenkem are still lingering and Mrs. C-Dubs is avoiding the throne at all costs until the death gas has subsided.
ReplyDeleteC-Dubs, right now an extremely regular guy
I am glad to see that my waiting list for frames is almost as long as that of Richard Sachs, and that C-Dubbs appears to be recovering from his rabit pellet syndrome and continuing to make beautiful music. He's like Rogers and Hammerstein cold forged into one magnificient being.
ReplyDeleteI would also like to report that there is a maximum length to a comment that can be posted here. It is 4,096 characters. I discovered this while leaving a post before work the other day. I had spun an epic yarn about our monday shop meeting and the large ammount of cheap budweiser I was forced to consume. Blogspot would not allow me to post it because it exceeded the length allowed. I edit and cut sections out for about ten minutes before I just gave up and went to work. I will summarize it here as it took too long to tell the whole tale:
Corey and I each pound 6 beers during the meeting. He has two while we are closing up the shop. We go to the bar for 3 IPA pints, we go to the liqour store for more IPA. I wake up the next morning and shit my brains out. I also made some reference to how my liver is not quite yet as finely tuned as CockPunchor or Furby, but with enough hard work I can attain that highest level too.
that was it in a nutshell, just not nearly as poetic as the original. Not nearly as long either.
Moving on, today being the first day of 2010, I will venture outside of my comfortable mountainy bubble and into the desert wilderness of Sedona. I have yet to even drive through Sedona (it's only about 45 minutes away) But from the pictures and trail maps I have seen I am in for a good time. I just need to get a couple more cups of coffee down the hatch to make sure I am travelling as light as possible. On that note, I must go weigh anchor and get my gear ready. Look to the Team Seagal AZ blorg later (possibly this evening) for a full report with photographic evidence.
TeamseagalAZ.blogspot.com
Dr. - A regular guy, after his coffee.
Doctor, nevar fear - for here in the cultural center of teh intarwebs, we are able to look past the character restrictions placed upon our delicate genius bloggers to see the true poetry that could have been.
ReplyDeleteThat actually brings me to my turd tale from just a few minutes ago. I have found that not only coffee and bran muffins will dislodge large shit-precipices inside my colon region. Just as potent, it turns out, is simply reading the new posts from our esteemed contributors here on this blog. Filling my brain with thoughts of shit-mountains, spelling splashbacks, and little turd men has an incredibly strong power over my shit-storing abilities. About 2 paragraphs into Doctor's last post, I found myself engaged in an exhaustive regimen of sphincter-tightening exercises in a horrible battle against the feces battering ram that was pounding against my insides, trying to get out. I barely made it up the stairs and to the bathroom turning the toilet water brown and chunky.
I was impressed with myself, as I managed to clog the toilet. The first flush just ended up putting more water in the bowl without sucking any of my "jenkem-fuel" down the pipe. This had me worried, as it has happened before, once resulting in me having to bust out the plunger. However, this time I was able to flush a second time while holding down the handle, and this managed to finish the job. *whew!*
I think that this is the first time where I have thought about upgrading a toilet. Does Chris King make such a thing?
CFR, Regular Guy
I have heard rumor that Chris King is going to branch out with a new line of high precision toilets. The lever operates on a ring drive mechanism, with large surface needle bearings for smooth lever operation. The ring drive mechanism actually sounds a lot like the hubs upon release. The drain is the new TP30 standard and also has a set of needle bearings to help ease those giant turds right on down with ease. The toilet is available in anodized gold, red, brown, pink, and of course the ever popular Rasta. The seats are made by selle italia, and totally ergonomic to support your ass in comfort. Get ready to fall asleep on the toilet a lot more often.
ReplyDeleteI hope that this post also has a nice laxative effect .
Dr
Coach this is where some basic toilet etiquette can be taught to all of those that are merely voyeurs of this fine site of colonology. The sphincter tightening not only serves the purpose of strengthening the inner core it also doubles as an efficient method of ensuring maximum delivery speed. But it is a double edged sword, so to speak, since the higher the delivery speed the greater the potential for the Spelling Splashback.
ReplyDeleteOn the matter of the Chris King toilet do the stainless or ceramic bearings on the seat hinge hold up better to the corrosive effects of uric acid? Also does the tank top have a lock out to prevent the feared Upper Decker?
If King is smart, they'll offer the hinges in both standard and ceramic with the option to upgrade them. Hopefully the interior mechanism will be entirely user-serviceable (as long as you buy the tool that costs more than the product itself.)
ReplyDeleteI have a turd brewing that I might just wait to release at work. Fuckers.
By the way, Doctor I would like to offer to you some up the idea of joining the street children of Zambia with some Japanese Business men to form a sort of "perfect storm of depravity." If they join forces, it would be hard co comprehend the disgusting levels of depravity that we will have to descent to.
I believe the King toilets do offer both stainless and ceramic bearings, both of which should withstand the acid content of your urine.
ReplyDeleteIt is funny that Coach mentions just reading this blorg makes him have to drop a Fuji. This morning I took my pre-coffee fuji, and was intertubing while I was waiting for said coffee to brew. Next thing I know I am headed back atop the throne, without coffee having touched my lips. The urge to drop another Fuji coincided exactly with me clicking on the comments link on Roborts Blog. I think further experimentation is necessary.
I am terrified at the prospect of the Japanese Businessmen and the Zambian street children joining forces. That could actually be the beginning of the apocalypse. They would probably begin adding vomit to their jenkem and then pouring the contents of their two liters all over each other after they have inhaled the vapors. Those sick fucks. A perfect storm indeed.
Let's see Chris King makes bike parts and toilet parts. Is it possible that Jenkem Cycles would also be able to make...perhaps...the first jenkemosite toilet afterall the cycling industry is all a rage with composite frames!
ReplyDeleteI think instead of "composite" frames, it would be more like "compost" frames. I also believe, Doctor, that it is very possible we could see joint-venture between the Zambians and the Japanese, creating a similar bike-boom to what we saw in the 70's and 80's with the Japanese bike boom. This will be much different, as the marketing here will take on a more depraved, shit-infested flair.
ReplyDeleteAt this point, I should inform C-Dubs about what makes the Japanese... the Japanese. It stems from a great number of internet videos that a few friends of mine and I came across during college that caused myself and a buddy of mine to coin the phrase "Why don't you make like a Japanese Business Man, and go shit in someone's mouth." The Japanese are, I believe, the most depraved people out there as they are fans of all things involving fecal matter and the consumption of. If you were to refer to the Japanese Business School, we would all know what you are talking about.
So yes, it appears that the Zambians have been taking night classes in the Japanese School of Business. Let us hope that there is not a frame building class at the Japanese School of Busines, because they may give Doctor a big run for his money... or shit.
Wow if the Japanese get into the compost frame/bike building mode think of the irony – a fuji that is a fuji because it is a fuji fuji frame!
ReplyDeleteAs for the education in the ways of our AsiaPac businessmen, Coach I appreciate the indoctrination and once I have fully pondered and digested you can be sure I will be ready to comment. I did have the pleasure of several business trips to Tokyo and while I did not witness such behavior it was amusing to watch them in action at the “hostess bars”.
More to come from C-Dubs, a guy as regular as an atomic clock
P.S. I am working on a surprise project that will leave us all crying from the laughter.
Okay you jerks, it is time to take it to the next level. Just created is.......Jenkemcycels.blogspot.com so how we can really have some serious fun. Send your email to Jenkemcycles@gmail.com so I can permission you for posting. Let the games begin!!!
ReplyDeleteAll hail Energor
I have secured Jenkemcycles@gmail.com and the associated blogspot so we can really have some fun. It was a busy weekend of drinking and chatting with the chinaman as you will see when you visit Jenkem Cycles blog.
ReplyDeleteGood day to you, good sirs, for I have little else to inform you about other than the massive shit that I have been waiting to unleash. This will be kind of like in the movie "The Road Warrior" when Lord Humungus had that assless-chaps dude kept on a leash, and he was just seething at the bit to kill Mel Gibson. This will be like when Humungus decided to finally unleash the assless-chaps dude to weak havoc and fury.
ReplyDeleteGod bless that you have the will power (and sphincter) to hold one in while posting us of the impending birth. Was it a volcanic island awash in the jenkem backwaters of Mt Kohler of a rim topper?
ReplyDeleteHoly shit. I go to Vegas for a few days, and now our new company has a new website. I like where this is going, now not only do we not have to scroll all the way through 130 comments, but now we have the ability to add photos. This is going to get out of hand fast. I'll be emailing soon to get started.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, while I was in Vegas I stayed at the Pallazo, which is pretty damn fancy. Upon checking out the throne room, I noticed a toilet that seems to have been designed for upper decking. It was constructed in such a way that I could perch on the top of the tank just as easy as I could the seat. It was a short toilet with a pretty small tank, the lid was removable as most are. I just couldn't believe it. I was so tempted to do it, but
Steve and Lori still had one more night in the hotel after we left, I think they might have been upset with me if I went through with it.
Actually, just talking about it is making me have to take a Fuji. Maybe I will sell this Fuji to Fuji. a little healthy competition will be good for the crapost cycle industry as a whole.
Doctor, glad you liked it (both the LV throne and the new site) and hope I wasn't taking too many liberties in setting it up. By the way is sounds like you should have been riding the Jenkem Upper Decker in that palatial room of worship. It was designed with your thoughts in mind.
ReplyDeleteHas nobody had a fuji story since January 12th? Holy Energor, that's nearly three weeks fuji-free. What gives?
ReplyDeleteCock Puncher you have been left out of the loop on the changes that are afoot. As you recall The Doctor has set up Jenkem Cycles and we have taken it to the next level. No more blog comments, now it is all out posting with pictures. Coach Ryback can provide the login details so you and the boys can have at it. Here is the site - http://jenkemcycles.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteCock Puncher you have been left out of the loop on the changes that are afoot. As you recall The Doctor has set up Jenkem Cycles and we have taken it to the next level. No more blog comments, now it is all out posting with pictures. Coach Ryback can provide the login details so you and the boys can have at it. Here is the site - http://jenkemcycles.blogspot.com/
ReplyDelete