Sunday, January 4, 2009
the new post
So here it is; the truth. I have been sitting around doing nothing since Arkansas. That was mid november. I went to the gym twice and have run once. I am burned the F' out! School killed me and coming after a season of broken parts bike parts and last place finishes I turned to the refuge of inactivity and my old friend sweet chocolate. So this is the update. hope you all enjoyed it. Now its time for taxes and filing for student loans. Cheers to a shinny new 2009 that dangles over our heads like a giant razor blade.
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This new post makes me feel euphoric. I'll buy a round of jenkem balloons for anyone who is not uplifted by this new and incredible post.
ReplyDeleteAnd so Energor said, "let there be blogs." As he sayeth, "let there be Kankle Power." On this day there is a new post.
Praise Energor.
*heavy breathing* hhhhheeehhhhhh.... I sure do like my chocolate! Got any more cheeseburgers that I can put my chocolate bar on top of? How about some twinkies! *breaths heavily*
ReplyDeleteYou know, I am uplifted, but at the same time, saddened by the passing of what was a great last post. You might even say that I am slightly euphoric when I reminisce of times past, times past related to the last post.
Glad yer back!
You must have run out of Jenkem, you didn't seem to be very euphoric in this post. Maybe if you got yourself a big balloon and filled it with vaporized shit and (if your atrophied lungs can muster the power) take a huge pull you'll feel better. Maybe you would get all euphoric and read the comments past from your last post. Maybe that would make you even more euphoric. Then you might put down your chocolate and crisco sandwich and get your ass back on your bike, and maybe that would make you even more euphoric. Jenkem and cycling go hand in hand. (I'm breathing through my chamois right now.)
ReplyDeletefuck you
I took a big poo just now, and I'm very glad that we have the moist wipes in there. Yikes!
ReplyDeleteDude, I haven't pooped or farted since this morning. Of course it's smack dab in the center of a long solo weekend...
ReplyDeleteI've been really "itchin'" for a big 2-bowl-length log lately...
c'mon boyz is that all you've got. more poo comments! robort don't get fat and out of shape (says the fat guy...)
ReplyDeleteAlright, le'see. This morning I probably dropped 3 pounds and went through 1/3 roll of TP. Double roll, too! Had I been in the woods, I would have run out of arm's-reach leaves!
ReplyDeleteI just shit, and it smelled like the chicken/mushroom/rice dish that I ate for lunch.
ReplyDeletehahahahahaha
Energor has punished me for my lack of jenkem related comments on your blog Robort. My commutes to and particularly from work have been plauged by the great Energor with many close calls and one collision with a car. I have finally seen the light and that I must continue to spread the gospel of the jenkem. I must huff it deep into my lungs and hold it there till waves of euphoria cause me to burst in to tekno viking moves and rants about times past and shitting in bottles and stuff like that.
ReplyDeleteAnd it is written "Yeah though ye may be high on jenkem, and hath spread thy jenkem to thine family, thou must not discontinue thine ministry of jenkem and the spreading of general euphoriath. If thou dost not then thou shalt find that thou ride to work riddled with assholes that driveth like they are drunk as fucketh. Amen."
Forgive me Energor for I have sinned,
Doctor
Energor has shown me a vision. Last night during my nightly jenkem bender, a spirit came to me and showed me some times past. Times when Robort rode his bicycle. Times when all of the parts worked and he could complete a ride without mechanical failures. Sadly these are times past. Fear not, much euphoria awaits you. The seals for your lovely yet non functional fox f29 have arrived. Now your list of excuses has been shortened and the stench of your jenkem enhanced to such a level that your eyes will water for days on end.
ReplyDeleteMonstor drink is the urine of Energor. Drink it daily. Jenkem.
DA9DR
I have an idea for a reality television show. It would be similar to the real world in that it would require people who are total strangers, and totally different from each other to live together, high on jenkem the entire time. There would be a communal toilet, it's daily contents would be set aside to ferment. Once they have be living together for a week the filming would begin, and so would the huffing.
ReplyDelete"on the seventh day, the participants would huff the jenkem they created on the first day. This will take place first thing in the morning every morning for the duration of the show."
Amazing entertainment will ensue. I think it will be called "Wake and Bake Brownies" or it might be called "It tastes like shit in here"
Doctor.
I believe that this glorious Jenkem Reality TV show that DA9DR has proposed is a glorious idea. The first person to lose that taste of shit in their mouths will be eliminated. But they can receive immunity if they jump into the big communal toilet bowl (the "Jenk-Bank") and fully immerse themselves in the jenkem fuel. The smarmy host of the show will definitely be Japanese, and they will be competing for a lifetime supply of balloons, a free vacation to Zambia, and a Zambian street orphan whom they can mentor on their way to euphoric visions of times past. Extra points will be given for gratuitous usage of various euphemisms for "poop" such as doody, shit from crack pipe, leroy jenkems, might, mudworm, butt-mud, butt-snake, shart, poo-nuggets, fear-from-the-rear, brown babies, etc...
ReplyDeleteCertain challenges that the participants will compete in will be things such as:
-who can produce the most poop
-who can huff the most balloons in one sitting
-glass-blowing to produce the best jenkem bottle
-sewage-wrestling
-best re-creation of the 2girls1cup video
-impressing special guest "Pickwick"
-who can stave off constipation the longest, undoubtedly from consuming unsafe-amounts of fiber
We will go after corporate sponsors such as Depends, Kaopectate, Pepto Bismol, Charmin, Acme Balloon Co., Bemis Toilet Co., FiberCon, Kellogg's Fiber One cereal, Johnson and Johnson Magnesium Phosphate, White Castle, Hunan Express, Dos Primos, Japan Tourism Dept., Germany Tourism Dept., and Lysol Disinfectant.
We're going to be rich because of this!
What if we were to open a jenkem bar? I mean, there are "oxygen bars" where people just inhale oxygen while sitting at the bar, why not butthash? We could called it "Leroy's" and have what looks like surgical face masks at each bar stool where we patrons can inhale jenkem that is piped in from our own fermentation tanks sitting in the sun up on the roof. It would be fueled from our restrooms! Imagine the money that we'd save in sewer bills! We would sell bowls of Fiber One, and people could drink our own micro-brewed laxative beer called "Shat's Beer," and we would sell "Squirt" soda!
ReplyDeleteThe whole place would have a nice "murky-brown" motif, and there won't be a cover charge if you bring in your own bottle to add to our roof-tanks. Any ideas?
On SNL about ten years ago they had an ad for a product called Fecal Vision. They were glasses that would allow you to see fecal matter in the world around you. It would be amazing to wear some of those to Leroy's. With shit vapor being piped into peoples lungs, and then out into the air in the room everything would be be covered in doody. I guess the filters in people's lungs would catch a lot of it, it would still get everywhere. Can you imagine how many of the customers would get pink eye. lI just threw up in my mouth thinking about it. I bet Robort is going to throw up when he finds the turd I hid in the seat tube on his hill bike. Gross.
ReplyDeleteDoc Brown
I be that Fecal Vision has a large customer base in Japan, home of all things depraved. I would venture to guess that Japanese Business Men walk through the streets wearing those goggles and trying to determine which females have been hitting the "bottle," evidenced by the fine layer of butt-film over their beath-holes.
ReplyDeleteI would imagine that Fecal Vision has a presence in Japan much like Microsoft has here in the US.
"This is the dawning of the age of Jenk-quarius!"
ReplyDeleteThere once was a Zambian orphan,
whose butthole was constantly morphin'.
His love for jenkem,
was euphoric and fun;
He generally enjoys it on the chin.
I think I can do better than that...
Today I received a sign from Energor. I was blessed with the dropping of a turd in the shape of Ronald Reagan. It felt special from the very moment it poked it's head out. After much laboring and gnashing of teeth, I rose and looked into the bowl, to behold a most amazing sight. Standing fully upright in the bottom of the bowl was the 12" figure of the beloved actor and leader of the free world, Ronald Reagan. I immediately knew what to do. This was clearly the work of Energor, and as such what I was to do with this, the most sacred of all turds, was also clear. I carefully and lovingly, in spite of my not being a republican, removed the holy shit from the bowl and placed it in my most sacred jenkem urn, an empty two liter soda bottle that I found in a dumpster a few weeks ago. I cut the bottle, inserted Turd Reagan, and sealed the bottle back together with duct tape. I then put a giant punching bag balloon on the top and meditated and fasted until it had fermented and filled the balloon. When I huffed the thick and pungent vapors my mind was open and euphoric, and a nude 50ft tall Reagan appeared before me, as he began to speak what looked like 10 serpents began to grow out of his back and rise toward the ceiling. once they reached their final heights, heads appeared at the top. immediately I recognized that they all had the face of Martin van Buren. They began speaking too, but in a different language than Reagan, who himself was speaking in a tongue foreign to me. Their message was clear to me even though I didn't understand their words. Energor's return was imminent and that at a time to be revealed to me later, I was to take Turd Reagan, which I was to keep fermenting until this time, to the top of Mount Borb at Castlewood and open the bottle. Energor will then cause a wind to rise as such as has never been seen. This wind will carry the potent vapor to the far corners of the earth, sending every living creature into the deepest of Jenkem benders. This will bring about an evolution of consciousness that will make Energor's return possible. If you wish to donate the the International Church of Energor to help do your part to make this world wide Jenkem bender possible, please send as much money as you can, even if you have to steal from your own mother, to Manchestor TC.
ReplyDeleteMay Energor be with you.
Leeroy Jenkem.
DA9DR, I think we all are humbled by that, your most masterfully crafted of responses. This might be your masterpiece. We are all indebted to you, Robort especially. Energor has shone gloriously down upon us with great knowledge and euphoric visions of times past. The spirit of Reagan lives on thanks to Jenkem-infused euphoria.
ReplyDeletePraise Energor.