I have been trying to get myself back into the mindset of working out. I still haven't been on a bike in a few months that will change and change in a Big way. I am challenging myself in a new way for 2009. Hopefully it will get my ready for domination in 2010!
wait, are you getting a big unit? or are you referring to yourself as the "big unit"? Please say it is the first one.
ReplyDeletenothing to worry about man
ReplyDeleteOh Robort, there is plenty to worry about I assure you. plenty indeed. Are you not concerned that the coming of Energor is near as evidenced by the arrival of Turd Reagan? (see my epic comment from your last post) I am now in a visionary state, induced by a potent combo of jenkem and monstor. The future is clear to me in this state, I can see that Robort will never learn to spell (prepare is one word, you have to at least get the title right) I also can see that he is finally doing what he should have done when he started breaking (not brakeing) everything on his bike and getting an f'ing single speed, What took so long? Soon Turd Reagan will be released at the top of Mt. Borb. When this happens the world as we know it is no longer. Imagine the euphoria of every living creature when the pungent vapors, and I assure you they are pungent, hit their nostrils sending them into a state of unimaginable times past, times so far past that they may be referred to as "Old Timey". Imagine the waves of joy and shit and euphoria that will send them reeling into a new era, a golden era, the Age of Energor. An age when we will no longer need Turd Reagan to show us the will of Energor. An age when we will commune directly with all of our ancestors and Energor all the time.Amazing advances in technology will be possible, things we cannot even comprehend. Penis enlargements without surgery you say? No I am not talking about a silly pump either. I am talking about a truly big unit, a unit so big, and yet so light weight, with as few moving parts as possible, a unit that no matter how furiously it is stroked it does not bleed. What could be more grand than this. I can only hope that you are soon lubing your big unit up for a ride. Now stop lubing your small unit, that one will bleed if you stroke it too much, trust me I know, I work at a bike shop in the winter time. holy shit this comment is at least three times as long as the post. I feel that I have done well and now I must take another huge pull and try to maintain my visionary state. oh Energor it tastes like shit in here.
ReplyDeleteI for one believe that DA9DR is a man, undervalued in his time. He is beyond our time. In fact, when people of the future realize his greatness, they will refer to "times past" when The Great Doctor was in his euphoric prime. Praise Energor.
ReplyDeleteMy visionary state has continued into this, the most glorious day of all of our lives. My state has been enhanced by the meditation of counting spokes, boxes and boxes of spokes, nipples, nipple clamps, and that sort of thing. It has enabled me to read signs in the mustacheticles (the icicles hanging from your mustache after a cold ride. Not to be confused with "Chinsticles" which is something else entirely) The mustacheticles have revealed amazing things to me in my shamanic state. It has taken riding in the cold to a whole new level, the very act has in itself become a meditation. Since it seems that I now spend most of my time meditating, I should start some sort of religious sect, a sect devoted to Energor and the spread of the medicinal use of Jenkem. No longer will religious fanatics have to resort to conventional warfare, running around in the sand with machine guns and patriot missiles. Now we will take over countries with two liter bottles and balloons. No more violence. Sure maybe you lose a few minutes off of your natural life span due to the inside of your lungs being covered in doody, but the spiritual benefits will outweigh the physical consequences. Hey, at least you're not smoking duct tape. (yes people actually do that.) Your body is merely a vessel for your mind or soul or whatever you want to call it. Anyway my ministry will be focused primarily on jenkem meditation. I have found a new technique now that I have been a shit shaman for a little while. Recently I have begun suffering severe coughing bouts first thing in the morning, which have begun producing a sort of concentrated Jenkem residue, that gets coughed up in little nuggets. I have tried two different methods of ingestion that when combined take me to new heights of jenkemdom. at First I did the natural thing, and put the nuggets in their own bottle to further ferment. Upon huffing the vapors and staring into the mustacheticles I was shown a process by which the nuggets could be smoked. When you smoke nuggets while already in a shamanic state, you are sent to the most intense and pure of jenkem realms. beings that cannot even be described communicated to me through scent, the new language of the new era. As you are surely aware, spoken and written language have too many barriers to communicate your true and pure thoughts, like spelling and vocabulary . With scent, your meaning is shockingly clear. There are no rules and no limits to the amount of information that can be conveyed with just one dense, gaseous outburst. Some gaseous outbursts are dense enough to be seen, that is when the real sharing begins. imagine thinking something, and then a physical representation flying out of your ass. Imagine the possibilities. Why draw a picture of something if you can fart it much more quickly and easily and accurately. Farts will someday replace computers as our primary means of taking care of business. Speaking of taking care of business, I just ordered yet another steer tube extender for a MTB. How do people ride off road with twitchy ass, bars over the saddle, how can I make my mountain bike more like a comfort hybrid, and still ride it off road. I want it to handle as horribly as it is humanly possible. WHY ENERGOR WHY????????? WTF???????????? calm down, take a pull, calm down. Ok, I feel better now. I am going to take a break, or is it brake? I think I have carpel tunnel syndrome, and it's not even a masturbation related injury, I actually got it from typing this time.
ReplyDeleteACT II
I feel much better now. I have smoked many jenkem lung nuggets, which themselves have spawned an even more potent smokable rock jenkem lung nugget. These offer the most potent and form. I will refer to them from here on out, as crap rocks. You need a torch to smoke crap rocks, since I am at work, I just used a can of citrus degreaser and a match to make my torch. The citrus degreaser adds a pleasant orangey flavor to the hard to hack flavor of crap rocks. The high is instantaneous, and intense, and highly addictive. Actually they are all I can think about. As a side benefit, to ensure that I have a steadily growing supply of rocks, I have to increase all aspects of my jenkem usage, as the rocks are a by product of the more conventional methods of ingesting Jenkem. The results have been overwhelming. My skin is developing a brown tint, as is my vision. I can't see or hear or smell (anything other than shit that is) Some people go to sensory deprivation tanks for these kinds of visions. It seems I have stumbled on a curious wormhole of jenkem, in which each method of ingesting jenkem, produces a new and more profound method. Neither science or religion have ever probed the depths that I am currently probing. How revolutionary is it to realize that shit is our most renewable resource. May the testicles of Energor rest firmly on the chin of humanity, and may we all find ourselves blessed with logs the length of this comment.
DA9DR
P.S. Coach just blew my mind, He pointed out that your blog posts are now simply titles for my blog, which is located in the comments section of your blog. It is eerily similar to the jenkem wormhole. holy shit.
*WWWHHHHHARRRRRRGGGBBBBLLLL ~ ~ * (as coach lays unconscious in a pool of his own brain matter and slowly-fermenting shit after having just read that last DA9DR post)
ReplyDeleteBrain Jenkem: Shit + brains, fermenting in a 2 liter bottle
ReplyDeleteI wanted to let you know, now, that I'm about to venture into the bathroom. This is going to be one of those deuces that fires out without any pushing on my part.
ReplyDeleteDA9DR's Blog which is located in the comment section of Roborts blog is far superior to any other blog I have read to date. Think of Roborts blog as a good strong swift kick in the nutz, once you accept the pain and emabarrasment of the nut kicking you are more than rewarded with a prize so great only Energor could be behind such miracles. Through great suffering and torture comes the one true way. Praise DA9DR's Blog and praise Energor!
ReplyDeleteI feel a certain responsibility now that I have my own blog. There are some really good blogs out there. Take BikeSnobNYC for instance. He posts several times a week, and is consistently entertaining. He either has a lot of spare time, or is a really smart guy. Fortunately for you, my readers, I have a lot of spare time. Just look at the comments on Roborts blog for the past couple of posts, before his blog officially became the title for mine. They just kept getting longer, and slightly more bizarre each time, which I confess was mostly just to take up space. Now that I have my own blog, I am going to put a little more thought into the content. I mean Jenkem is hilarious, and medicinal, and Energor is coming soon to blow our f'ing minds. These things are true and will continue to be covered in depth, perhaps even more in depth. With the advent of my new, more potent jenkem by products, comes a new mental clarity, a truly enlightened state. It is in this state that I will write all of the posts for my new web-site, so you can be sure that every time you come to my site you are getting top rate spiritual advice, cutting edge jenkem techniques, and up to the minute news. So with that being said, lets all find a fine vintage bottle of jenkem (I myself am huffing a vintage wednesday of last week, which has a robust flavor and intense high), take a huge pull off that balloon, and get down to brass tacks.
ReplyDeleteStill no confirmed order of a Big Unit for Robort, in spite of his now being gainfully employed at Pfoodman's new Lone Wolf Coffee Company. (btw the menu looks killer) This concerns me greatly for many reasons. Robort's poor broken niner has been hanging in the back of the shop for the entire winter. WTF? Has Robort found some new hobby that we are not aware of? Has he perhaps joined a curling league, or did he finally achieve his dream of coaching a middle school co-ed volley ball team? The first possibility is unlikely, the second is just ridiculous. Who in their right mind would leave middle schoolers of either sex in Robort's care. Perhaps he is a compulsive masturbatuer and can no longer ride a bike because his prostate is the size of a small watermelon. I am just speculating now. Whatever is going on, Robort needs to get on a Big Unit and ride.
In Energor news, no new revelations regarding when Turd Reagan is to be released, but man he is fermenting nicely. The punching bag balloon that is on top of the bottle is about half full, which is pretty exciting. I was hoping to read some signs in my mustachticles today, but it wasn't really cold enough for any to form. Also Energor has seen fit to bless both Nico Toscani and I with tickets to the Phish show at the FOX. This is remarkable as this is the smallest venue on the tour, a tour which sold out in thirty minutes. I don't know how many thousands of tickets that is, pretty mind blowing stuff.
I would like to thank everyone for visiting my blog. It is a learning process, but I am taking it very seriously, so hopefully you make it back regularly. Praise Energor.
Stay Hard.
Great post, Doctor. I like the way your new blog is shaping up. I myself am huffing down on a vintage 4-day old jenkem bottle, and it is coming around quite euphorically. I believe it is a little younger than normal "prime-butthash-age," but much like with bananas, I prefer them slightly before totally ripe, and with just a hint of green.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you think about this possible product to propose to Pfoodman - "Jenkem Java?" It could come with extra sediment, and extra foam, and would be their most odoriferous beverage. Perhaps "Butthash Breve," a "Leroy Latte," or a "Times Past Tea," or "Uruguayan Euphoria?" We are only scratching the surface at what jenkem-related products and services can be released to (on) the general public.
I have another thinking point for you, imagine if the Soviets had Energor and his limitless powers at their disposal, how would Reagan have reacted?
Hopefully with turd.
Praise Energor.
This weather is amazing! The snow is mostly gone now, the streets are even clear in the city. Today's ride in was completely devoid of two things, shoe covers, and jenkem intoxicated drivers. While one of my main missions in life is to promote the spiritual use of jenkem, I don't feel that you should drive while experiencing the euphoria that it brings. I am high on jenkem right now, and can barely type, let alone drive a car. I know today is technically the first of Feb., but I am taking it as a snow day and completing my goal of getting 700 miles for Jan. 25 on the way in and 25 on the way home, both sans shoe covers. I really can't tell you how exciting that is. Let's put it this way, anyone who is not riding in this glorious weather is a total pedophile. Yes I mean you Robort. If someone is already a pedophile, is it possible for them to become more of a pedophile. Yes I still mean you RObort.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of Robort, I can't wait to see what he comes up with next for the title of my blog. We really do make a good team, not only in the blogoshpere, but the Barbequeoshpere as well. We actually grilled three times during one shift on at least two different occasions, and don't let anyone every tell you that you can't grill pancakes.
Coach showed me something the other day called the Bacon Explosion, which basically consists of a latticed blanket of Bacon, a layer of italian sausage, followed by a layer of cooked Bacon. This mass of flesh is then rolled up and grilled for an hour for each inch of thickness. It got me to thinking , why not a jenkem explosion. I thought of a trick Justin showed me , involving oddly enough a 2 liter soda bottle. It is almost like it was meant to be. I inserted a presta valve into the cap, screwed the cap tightly a top a vintage 12-01-08, and proceeded to pump air into the bottle until it exploded with a bang similar to a gun shot. The results were not really what I had in mind. While yes I was causing an explosion of Jenkem vapors, I was also causing an explosion of the shit that the vapors came from. The entire work area of the shop is covered in a fine mist of shit. I am covered in shit, now that I am writing my blog page, the keyboard is covered in shit. I now fully understand the meaning of the phrase "shit storm".
I kicked the heat up a little and hope to continue the fermentation process in the shop, thus removing the bottle and balloon from the equation, creating a more "green" way of meditating.
I advise you now to quit reading the internets and get your ass outside and increase your lung power so you can huff it deep. Wow, I am high as shit. (literally and figuratively.)
Just a quick update, I don't have much time before I pass out from oxygen deprivation. If you didn't already notice, my blog has name now. (thanks for the tip Storm)
ReplyDeleteI also made my 700 miles for the month. It seems the more I ride my bike the more I want to ride my bike. I wonder if the opposite is true for Robort. Everyday that goes by without slapping his ass in the saddle(I'm not gay) make it that much harder for him to slap that much more of his ass into the saddle. (seriously, I'm not gay) I hope for his sake that this is not the case. Still no confirmed order of a Unit of any size for Robort.I beginning to suspect that he may not actually bring these plans into reality, which would be a horrible travesty, almost as horrible as a Ti hard-tail with about 90mm of spacers underneath a 45 degree rise 75mm stem, with a combined stack height equal to the length of the head tube itself. Whoever said symmetry is beauty is full of shit.
Doctor, you're blog is turning out great. I love what you've done with the place. I am thoroughly committed to turning the TC MAN into a veritable "jenkem greenhouse." I just ordered a White Castle 40 pack, and expect to get started about 45 minutes after having consumed the WC40P.
ReplyDeleteIf you have been upset about not getting any mustacheticles the past couple of days, today is your day. It was cold enough to stay inside and risk growing chinsticles. That's f'ing cold. I for one opted to pull a Robort and stay the fuck inside. The rest of the week is going to be looking pretty sweet, so why not make the worst day my day off.
ReplyDeleteIn jenkem related news, Chief Ryback and I have decided to try to pay Robort to actually do jenkem. Robort is notorious, for eating roaches for $5 or putting his nipples in up against the wheel on the grinder for a cheeseburger(I've also heard rumors of prostitution for cheeseburgers, but those could not be confirmed at press time.) So why shouldn't he be the one to find out if the magic of jenkem is real. We don't think it is going to cost us that much really. I am guessing somewhere in the $50 neighborhood. If we get enough people that's not going to be too bad at all. It's going to blow my f'ing mind, to actually watch someone huff jenkem. Holy shit. I wonder if it really works. Haven't I done jenkem you say. When I speak of being high on jenkem, I am speaking of the metaphorical, spiritual jenkem. The jenkem of the soul. What if Zambian lung butter is real? Would I want to try it then? Is it just a hoax to try and get people to huff their own shit. I wonder if it is habit forming. I hope so, it would be hilarious to see Robort, or anyone for that matter, be addicted to jenkem. Constantly getting arrested for stealing laxatives and balloons, suffering from chronic pink eye, pouring out perfectly good soda so you can shit in the bottle. I would like to clarify that I only mention Robort getting addicted to jenkem because he is going to be our test subject. I wish Robort no ill will, but if the chief and I are able to pay him to do this he might get addicted. maybe it's like crack or heroin and after the first hit you always have the shit monkey on your back. Only time will tell. If you would like to donate, in the name of science of course, send your money to the Robort Jenkem Bender Fund, Mancestor TC, Borb Mountain, Zambia Africa.
Oh by the way, Coach wasn't kidding about the jenkem greenhouse, my skin had a brown tint when I left the shop today. Holy shit.
Praise Energor
Stay Hard.
P.S. Sorry for any confusion, but I have already forgotten the password to the DA9DR's Amazing Blog id, so I had to use the old one. This is a perfect example of why I had to start a blog in the comments section of someone else's blog. I can't remember shit.
I wholeheartedly endorse this plan to bribe Robort to attempt to get high on the "Zambian Lung Butter." If it is possible to get high off of "shit from crack pipe" then we must endeavor to find this out, For Great Justice. I want Robort to go atop Mt. Borb, having journeyed from the TC Man, and "meet" "Leroy Jenkems." We must research this fully. Start here: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jenkem
ReplyDeleteAnother Mustacheticletastic day out there. For some reason I woke up at 5:00 this morning and found my self unable to go back to sleep. I thought to myself, "why not go for a longer ride on the way into work?". I proceeded with this plan, only to find out why not. It is f'ing cold. I mean CXMAS cold. It so cold that I had to invent a new level of cold. It is so cold that I grew nutsticles, and I think you can figure out what those are. I am okay with it though, at this point in my life a low sperm count is a good thing. I achieve a remarkably low sperm count by using Chinese Herbs, riding in the cold, and masturbation exercises. Tomorrow is looking pretty decent, and I scored the day off, so I will be going for some sort of long ride, maybe even to the top of Mount Borb. If I am not mistaken a few fellow Team Seagal soldiers are currently wreaking havoc on Chubb trail. They are preparing the trail for the upcoming workday by riding the fucking shit out of it. Energor be praised.
ReplyDeleteSo far no donations have arrived for the Robort Jenkem Bender Fund, although I did just make everyone aware of this charity yesterday. Time will tell. The really upsetting thing is that Robort hasn't called us back yet. I wonder if he is upset about me commandeering his blog. Mine doesn't really take up too much space, neatly tucked away in the comments section, I don't see why he would be upset. It is more likely that he is keeping his nose to the grindstone and his nipples to the grinding wheel to save up money for his unit. I would think that 50 or maybe even 60 dollars (don't get greedy) would do a little to help Robort get a unit. Maybe Robort is independently wealthy and doesn't need to make $50. It's no different than people getting paid to test pharmaceuticals or nicotine patches, well maybe a little different. We desperately need to know if the butt hash is real. Mankind's destiny could depend on it. You don't want to be responsible for screwing up mankind's future, do you Robort? I would like to believe that you care a little more than that. At any rate the offer is on the table, I've done all I can.
The jenkem greenhouse is coming along nicely as evidenced by the pungent vapors that greeted me upon my arrival this morning (a half hour early no less). It seems that instead of dissipating and eventually going away, Chief Ryback's gaseous outbursts seem to hang around for an exceptionally long time, and then slowly settle in solid form, as a sort of shitty dust that settles into the fibers of the carpet. With every footstep a puff of this shitty dust rises into the air and circulates back through the shop, so I have found myself actually climbing the rafters to get from one side to the other. The plus side is it's a good upper body workout.