Wednesday, February 4, 2009
the parasite
well i kind of figured that all the poop talk in my comments had killed my blog (I am well aware the real reason was my lack of riding and my overwhelming stock pile of excuses for not wanting to ride.) However, Doctor never gave up and has shocked my blog back to life with a jenkem fueled defibrilater. Now all i have to do is get the bike back between my legs and figure out how to climb hillz again. Speeking of riding the paperwork for the Big Unit will faxed out before the end of the week just waiting on some funds to be freed up. On that note I will have to pass on the $50 in excange for huffing jenkem for 2 main reasons. First: I would hate to be test positive (after winging say winghaven) for doping and secondly I now have a girlfriend (proving that I AM NOT GHEY) and she said no (she is part german but has become to americanized). So yeah I out~
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An amazing title by Robort ladies and gentlemen. It is simply his best, most correctly spelled work to date.I must confess that it left me with mixed emotions though. While I am glad that Robort is sending in his order for a Unit, a big one at that, I am disturbed by hearing him talk about putting things between his legs. I am also just out right saddened by his rejection of our offer to participate, in the name of science, in our jenkem experiment. I really thought that this would come to be and we could finally get to see some one huff some Zambian lung butter. Perhaps if we increase our offer he will reconsider. Remember it's not too late to donate, we need you now more than ever.
ReplyDeleteThe most amazing thing in today's title is Robort's almost casual mention of his having a girlfriend. I am as puzzled by this as I am sure all of you are. I did not get a chance to ask her age, and honestly I am almost afraid to, but we must get to the bottom of this. I am going to do something that I think Chief Ryback would be in full support of, and proclaim his oft quoted rule of the internet that goes something like: "Pics or it didn't happen." Until I see photographic evidence, or perhaps even meet her in person I will refuse to acknowledge this statement as a fact. If his claim is true however, this could mean that all of my previous speculations were off, possibly even just down right incorrect. I will not even entertain the possibility though, until I am given a reason to in the form of hard evidence.
More to come. light headed....getting dizzy.......ahhh the euphoria!!!!!!!
Dear Doktor,
ReplyDeleteI read your amazing blog for 49 minutes today. I am quite impressed with your progress and I hope that your ride on Thursday of 80+ miles fills you with a certain zest, a zeal perhaps, that is quenched only by the releasing of many wonderous words from your jenkem-stroked mind towards these very inter-webs. Good day, fair poet of the butt-hash, bring us good news in the morrow'.
Doctor, I am worried about the stability of your new blog. That is, Robort appears to be doing all that he can to make it have a myspace-esque feel. Both in his wording, and his lack of accepting your jenkem offer. On that note, I would like to officially up my offer for doing jenkem. I will ADD $10 to increase what is already there to $60. I think that if we can keep increasing this offer, we might eventually be able to include a trip to Zambia, with the help of corporate backing.
ReplyDeleteBtw, DA9DR, do you think that his girlfriend know that he's registered? Or maybe that's how she met him, on a "registered singles" forum? If not, I just hope that she's ready for the slow downward spiral into depravity once he introduces her to... the shop.
My My, where to start. This might be a long one folks, we've got a lot of ground to cover.
ReplyDeleteFirst I would like to thank everyone for checking back in. I see that I was able to entertain Nico Toscani's nose neighbor for almost an hour. It is good to see that things are starting to take off. I spoke with Robort on the phone the other day and we discussed how my website has caused an increase in traffic to his website. I feel that this is, and is going to continue to be a mutually beneficial relationship. I bring Robort viewers and he gives me a place to have a website that I don't need a password to post on.
I will address Chief Ryback's concerns regarding myspace. I would like to make it absolutely clear that I do not condone myspace, and that my website will not bear any resemblance to myspace. I have never even been to their website, nor do I intend to go. My website takes up so much of my time and effort that it is pretty much all I use the internet for, that and porn. Oh, and the weather.
As for yesterdays planned 80 mile ride, it ended up only being a 52 mile ride. I got a little too excited about the weather and under dressed a little. I was fine until the sun went down. I think I made the right decision though, the weather today is even better, so I am glad I have a little more gas in the tank so as to properly enjoy it .
Now onto perhaps the most important thing to ever be discussed on my website. Chief Ryback upped the offer to $60 US. dollars for Robort to huff some jenkem. I was prepared to match Coach's $10 which would bring it to $70. I was pretty confident that this would do it, but we will never know as our brother in arms Mason Storm has added $100 to the pot. That's right Robort $170. All you have to do is take a couple of deep pulls and tell how you feel. We will see if he can walk away from this one. I am pretty sure we've got him now, but just in case a new back plan is being unleashed this very afternoon which will certainly raise the bar.
Still no confirmation of Robort's alleged girlfriend. I re-read the title for this series of posts again and I realized a couple of things that had previously escaped my attention. First and foremost is that regardless of her age she is foreign. Robort generally targets younger females, for many reasons. They, generally speaking, have a lower tolerance to alcohol, which makes them cheap dates, and it makes Robort seem like a reckless daredevil when he cracks open his third wine cooler. They are also easier to entertain. You can take them to the mall and Chucky Cheese, make them pay, and still look like a god compared to their scrawny fourteen year old classmates. I suppose that targeting a foreign girl would offer similar but different advantages. She probably doesn't understand much of what he says, which explains why she is allegedly accepting the title of "girlfriend" (Note: putting a wig on a 12 year old boy does not, I repeat, does NOT make him a girl.) This all has to be very novel and exciting, being in a new country and all. Robort may be one of the first people she came into contact with and she thinks all Americans are like him. There is of course another possibility that has come to mind that is almost too shocking to consider, but we are talking about Robort. Ask your self this. How did Robort, who lives in the sticks, meet a German girl? Is it possible that she is a mail order bride? This would make a lot more sense than Robort just chancing upon some wayward German girl wandering around High Ridge, and convincing her to get in his car. I assure you this, will get to the bottom of this girlfriend nonsense. I owe it to my readers.
I have never really considered that there may be a registered singles service. It makes sense. Why not pair the deviants up and let them do god knows what to each other instead of sending them into a life priesthood and alter boys. Makes sense to me.
That about covers it. It's getting to be about BBQ time anyway. Once more, a BIG DA9DR's Amazing Blog thanks to Mason Storm for really doing his part, in the name of science, and kicking $100 to the Robort Jenkem Bender Fund. Storm is a true patriot and an example to us all.
No mustachticles for two days in a row. 50 mile rides for two days in a row. Today will see the the completion of my third 50 mile ride in as many days. That's right Robort, suck on that. Anyone who is staying inside in this weather is either a pedophile, huge piece of shit, or both. What are you doing today? The only reason I stopped riding my bike long enough to type this post is that I am at work. Stuck at work on this, the most glorious day of all of our lives. This could end up being another long one, I've got a shit load of time to kill. About six more hours to be exact. So grab a couple balloons of your favorite vintage Jenkem, strap on a good buzz, and let's get started.
ReplyDeleteUpon yet another rereading of Roborts title for this series of posts, and a deeper interpretation of it's implications, I became somewhat offended. Why, for example, would he title his title "the parasite" A parasite has a negative impact upon it's host. I feel that Robort and I have a more symbiotic relationship than that. I discussed briefly yesterday how my website has increased traffic on Robort's website, a fact that even he will agree with me on. How exactly does this make me a parasite. If anything I have breathed some new life into Robort's website as well as revolutionizing how we use the internet. I do believe that I am the first person to actually start a website in the middle of someone else's. Think about how much more space this opens up on the internet. I have created a series of tubes within the series of tubes with which we have been blessed by the grace of Al Gore. I am not trying to brag or anything, but that pretty much puts me on the same intellectual level as the former vice president of the United frickin' States of America. I am clearly on the bleeding edge of what is to come, as this next era is ushered in by Energor. Yet, to Robort, I am just a lowly parasite. If anything he is a parasite, riding the coat tails of my Amazing Blog, my-spacing it up with his poorly spelled titles for my, frankly amazing work, even if I do say so myself.
Ok, take a pull, calm down. I didn't mean to get cocky there. It's easy to lose it when you are high on jenkem. There may be a touch of roid rage in there too, this stuff I ordered off the internet has got me jacked the fuck up. I feel better now. I know Robort knows not what he does.
In BBQ related news, Robort himself is going to grace me with his presence this afternoon, with chicken sausages in hand. This will be a good opportunity for Robort and I collaborate on the website a little. It will also be a good chance for me to get to the bottom of this whole girlfriend thing, or at least make some more progress. If this is some jenkem fueled hallucination then he will surely slip up, at which point the whole mess will be solved, and the offer of money to huff jenkem is off the table. If he is already having jenkem fueled hallucinations, then he is already huffing it, in fact probably addicted to it, and I for one am not going to give him money to do something he is going to do anyway. Maybe the whole girlfriend thing is just an elaborate scheme to raise the offer to an astronomical level and cash in when he thinks it has reached it's peak. I will have him know that this will never work, as we already have another potential test subject we are looking at, that is actually somewhat enthusiastic about the prospect, of the money anyway. We do live in harsh economic times.
DA9DR, another great post on your always-improving website. You have shown me that you are more of an innovator than I previous had postulated - you've created tubes within tubes! Not only would interweb creator Al Gore be proud, but so would the following people:
ReplyDelete1) Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens, identifier of said Tubes,
2) Reagan
3) Energor
4) Steve Seagal
Good day everyone, and what a day it is. I just woke up and it is 50 degrees already and I don't have to work today. You really can't beat that. Well, I suppose you could if say you had the movie "breaking away" en route to your mail box via netflix, and that after passing the afternoon thunderstorms watching said movie, there was a 50 degree Full Moon Fiasco and not a cloud in sight. You really really can't beat that with a two foot rubber dong. on top of it all my friend Albert is in from out of town and will be going on the fiasco with us this evening. He always seems to come into town on just the right occasions, Fbc rides, he's coming to Phish at the Fabulous Fox theater, He will also be in town on the proposed date of Robort's Jenkem Bender.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of Robort's Jenkem Bender, you should have seen the look on his face when he learned that the pot was at $170. It isn't going to take too much more to /make it happen. I can't wait.
If you are still reading this, stop immediately, huff some of the finest jenkem, and get your ass outside. And may the balls of Energor rest firmly upon the chin of humanity.
A Reading From the Book of Penesis, Chapter 1.
ReplyDeleteIn teh beginning, there was Energor. And he saw that there was need for euphoria. So on the first day, he created teh Sun, and said "Let this sun shine down and bring fermentation forth throughout all bottles." And it was good. On the second day, he created Robort. He saw a need for Robort to huff, but had nothing for him to inhale. So on the third day, Energor saw fit to create pee and poo, and said, let this pee and poo ferment, with the help of teh Sun, into a most potent gas. On the fourth day, he created 2 liter bottles and balloons, and smiled. On the fifth day, he created friends with money to burn. On the sixth day, he gave those friends the desire to see Robort huff the product of all of his other creations, and the willingness to pay him to do it. And on the seventh day, he rested, reminiscing of times past - a weeks past, to be exact.
Indeed, we shall find out where this story ends.
Chief Ryback has brought us a rare treat indeed, a most eloquent passage from the Dead Shop Scrolls, recently discovered under a pile of foul smelling balloons in the back of TC Man, completely covered in stripper aids. The scrolls were then meticulously translated by strippers kept in a constant jenkem induced trance. The results are truly profound, as evidenced by Coach's gripping comment and the fragments of my mind that are rolling down my sleeve right now.
ReplyDeleteAs I sit here communicating with you through dial up inter-tubes, having just completed my daily sausage trifecta (no Robort, not that kind of sausage trifecta) I find myself unable to fully grasp what has happened to me, rather what I have done to myself, in the past 26 hours or so. What started as a leisurely monday road ride, has turned into some kind of twisted mind fuck that has seen me from end to end and back again across this fair, although slightly grubby city of ours. Since about lunchtime yesterday I have: ridden my bike approx. 150 miles, consumed no less than 12 beers and a glass of Crown, eaten enough to feed a small country, and realized that maybe buying the "energy support" vitamins was not such a smart idea. As I was rolling through some fancy ass clayton subdivisions at 5:00 in the A.M. I came to another conclusion. The first step in beating an addiction is to admit that you have a problem. The first step in having a problem is to not give a shit in spite of knowing that you have a problem. It is uncertain why this gem occurred to me when it did. It could be that I was literally riding aimlessly around in cicrles at 5 in the morning and had been for the past 16 hours give or take.
This bizarre ride started with an adventurous mid day county crossing, performed ever so gracefully by myself, your Doctor, and Tate's mustache. We soon found ourselves breathing that sweet Kirkwood air on the doorstep of Young Steven, who was prepared to lead us to the beautiful Grant's Trail for some nice easy base miles. It began raining immediately upon our arrival at the southern end of said trail. This forced us to pick up the pace a bit and seek shelter inside a cleverly placed Friar Tuck's liquor store, which happened to have an amazing beer selection. The rest of that leg of the ride was finished drinking beers in the rain. This is when things began to take on an entirely different tone. We were whisked away by car to Mia Ranchito, home of the 32oz Dos Equis draft. The sight of a lone lime wedge floating in about half a six packs worth of beer really does bring a tear to the eye. I stopped crying just in time to make it out to the Full moon fiasco only to find myself in a drinking contest with none other than Nico Toscani and my friend Albert from out of town. Several beers, a glass of Crown, and several more beers later our friends Nico, Tate, and Steve had the good sense to call it a night, leaving Albert and yours truly to continue our journey.
What exactly transpired past this point is hazy, but I will try to convey the overall odor of my meaning to the best of my ability. In spite of a rare and debilitating medical condition that causes all of the molecules in Albert's body to be twice as dense as a normal human, causing his lean looking frame to tip the scales at over 400 lbs, he is an incredibly gifted cyclist. If the route we took was superimposed over a map of clayton, richmond heights, and Ladue it would look as though drunken aliens had gotten confused while creating some elaborate crop circle.
After much treachery and a flat on the Univaga I found myself again in dogtown, trading the fallen "Vaga Sport" for the cross bike, which allowed me to gain a huge gap on Albert and eventually drop him. His whereabouts are currently unknown, and I find myself in Ballwin, at work of all places, resting up for my ride home and a drunken victory lap around the park. One thing has become clear to me. If this unseasonably warm weather continues, things could get ugly.
Praise Energor.
that is quite a tale you tell good sir
ReplyDeleteHello ladies and gents. I am feeling much better today having spent a good deal of yesterday in a coma. I have been trying to think of a way to describe my ride the other night. It is hard to really convey in words. The best I can do so far is to say that it was kind of akin to masturbating violently until you cry. Now at least Robort has some idea what it was like. I was pretty sore tuesday evening. I cheated and got a ride home. Our victory lap found us stuck in the rain. This time it was in forest park only two miles from my house. That was the hardest two miles I have ever ridden. I could barely turn the pedals. I went home and passed out until about 10 the next morning. I ate, marinated in the tub for a bit, and went back to sleep for the rest of the day. Today Nico gave me a ride to work and I am going to leisurely spin my way home this evening. Then I should be back to normal.
ReplyDeleteThe transit system here kind of sucks, but it saved my ass when I found myself stranded in clayton. I took the wrong train and added a little to my journey. Normally I would have everything to fix a flat but I used my spare tube on the FBC ride and I didn't have any co2 cartridges left. I was fucked. It was okay though. It added a little different element to my adventure. It kind of made it seem like some fucked up urban binge drinking adventure race. It may not have been a very good idea from a training stand point, and I considered this when leaving my house at 4:00 A.M., but it was a hell of a lot of fun. Now I can get back to business as usual
Speaking of business as usual, no new news on the Robort girlfriend situation. I know I promised results, and I will deliver. It is just taking longer than I thought. He showed me a picture on the computer, but it was small and blurry. He claimed that he was talking with her on the internet at that very moment. If she is his girlfriend, why is he talking to her on the internet? Why not just call her? Very suspicious.
In other news DA9DR is also going to become XTRDR this evening. Maybe I should change it to HESDR, for High End Shimano Dr. Things are really coming together for the upcoming MTB racing season. Only a month to go till the Bone Bender 6hr. This fine day will find XTRDR and several other Team Seagal soldiers lining up in the single speed solo division. Watch out for Seagal in 09 bitches.
The Phox theater will be covered in brain matter after the Phish show. Holy Shit.
du hast ein deutsches Maedchen?
ReplyDeleteGut fuer dich!!!
Zak, we must be careful not to refer to it as an actual girlfriend, but rather, an "alleged girlfriend." But to answer your question, yes, she does appear to be German.
ReplyDeleteI do not expect that we at the shop will ever get to meet this "Maedchen," but if we do, it would be "sehr gut." If he knew what was good for his relationship, he WOULDN'T bring her around - unless maybe it is her "Geburtstag!"
Lieblingsvater - is that an actual word, or am I just remembering gibberish from my German classes?
Good evening ladies and gents. I was a little concerned when I saw Zak's comment. I thought maybe he was fucking with me or something, saying something rude in a language I didn't understand. Luckily Chief Ryback was able to translate it before I put a hit out on young Zak. He is simply congratulating Robort on having a German girlfriend. While this is a nice gesture and all I believe it to be at best premature, but most likely totally unwarranted. The idea that Robort convinced an actual girl to be his girlfriend is simply absurd, as evidenced by his not brining her by the shop to confirm her existence.
ReplyDeleteIn other Robort related news, there has been some delay in the order of his frame. He will now seek to have the tax payers of this country buy him a frame. I will say, I admire this plan. Being quite lazy myself, I find it much easier to let the government support my lifestyle while I sit and type on the interwebs or ride my bike all day. That is why I pretend to be mentally retarded and claim disability. You've got to do what you've got to do, and I for one wish Robort luck. Although it seems to me that he is making things unduly hard on himself. All his has to do is huff some jenkem and half his frame is in the bank. That is of course with the offer at $170. We have talks in progress with numerous people to try and drum up some more donations. If you are so inclined, now is the time.
We here at Team Seagal Headquarters have been working have been working to address some of Robort's concerns about jenkem. His main concern so far appears to be that the taste of shit is rumored to linger for about three days after your average jenkem bender. To combat this phenomenon, we have determined that we should use flavored condoms instead of balloons. This would allow Robort to chose whatever flavor he wanted, it would make the act of huffing shit more bearable, and it would hopefully combat the aftertaste. We have also come up with the idea of feeding Robort and entire bag of mints. This way every time he burps the resulting waves of freshness would mask any foul odors. In related matters, one of our friendly neighborhood army recruiters has added $10 to the pot taking the offer to $180. If these type offers keep rolling in we can make this happen. We can have a black president, and we can watch Robort huff shit gases. This I assure you.
Robort is supposedly working on a new title for a series of my posts, so I am going to go for now. My mind is spinning in a sea of jenkem and monstor hills that will be conquered this sunday on Coach's west county hill death march. Oh man what are we about to do to ourselves. Fuck.
Good news everyone. It took much drinking and rubbing elbows and what not on my part, but I have rounded up two more contributions to the Robort Jenkem Bender fund. Nico Toscani and Gino Felino of Team Seagal fame have each contributed $10 to the pot, taking the grand total to $200 US. I don't know how much that is in deustch marcs or francs or whatever unit of currency this alleged girlfriend is used to, but in these harsh economic times that is a lot of money. Particularly if you are trying to purchase one of the most badass MTB frames on the F'ing planet. I think Robort needs to take his balls out of her imaginary purse, huff some jenkem in the name of science, and make some fucking money. This is no joke. There is actually $200 on the table, in actually honest to Energor cash, for Robort if he just does this one thing. I want to know if it is real . I have to know. The information available inside the intertubes is so vague. Some people swear that it is real, others say it is an urban legend or a hoax to get people to huff their own shit. Or someone else's shit for that matter. Which brings up an interesting point of debate here at headquarters, at what point does Robort lose the right to chose whose shit he huffs. At this point I suggest that once the offer on the table reaches the cost of the frame he has to huff a Coach Bomb. I know some of my readers are familiar with the awesome brutality that bursts forth from Chief Ryback's nether regions on a regular basis, whether it be from personal experience or from Coaches duty reports. for those of you that are not, imagine if you will, what it would smell like if you were to go to a senior citizens chili cook off and slip extra strength laxatives into all of the entries and then lock them all in until the place was knee deep in shit, and then turn the heat all the way up, seal the place up for about a week. The stench of rotting seniors simmering in their own fermenting fecal matter for a week would smell good compared to a single Chief Ryback fart. I go into paranoid fits thinking about what it would be like to have to huff some Coach jenkem. I hope Robort is paying attention. How badly does he want that frame. He is building up wheels for it this week. Things are getting interesting in here.
ReplyDeleteTomorrow brings the arrival of the most glorious day of all of our lives. Most cyclists in STL that are not total pussies are going out into the hills of west county and beyond tomorrow to find out exactly how much they aren't pussies. and find out we shall. I know one thing, you want Energor on your side for something like this. Chapter two of the book of Penesis from the Dead Shop Scrolls is currently being translated. The translation was slowed somewhat by the fact the scroll was originally written in a Victoria's Secret catalog and most of the pages were stuck together. A short verse to give hope to the weary during the dark times to come tomorrow: "Those withoutest the balls of Energor in their soul shall become weak and surely falleth. Only the penitent man shall passeth."
I ain't broke, but brother I'm badly bent.